misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

Given the current economic environment, my daily reading inevitably brings me across an article or two advising quick and easy ways to save on your monthly expenses. These articles always offer the same tired, generic recommendations that are either inapplicable (ways to lower your car insurance payments, which are unhelpful to those of us without car insurance), obvious (transfer high-interest credit card balances to lower credit-card balances), or boring (bring your lunch to work). These methods always seem to overshoot the easier and less obvious sacrifices - sacrifices that seem small on the surface and thus makes for a less interesting article. But as one who has been on a wedding budget since January, I've found the real savings lie when you confront your addiction to the American ideal of consumerism. During times of financial exuberance, you grow accustomed to products that are actually quite useless, but seemingly flaunt your purchasing prowess, albeit on a seemingly small scale (At a high level, people demonstrate their overflowing financial resources by purchasing a second home or Mercedes. On a small level, they purchase Method soap over Ivory.) Let's take a tour of some of the small products you won't miss that will save you easy money:

• Brita/Pur water filters: Water filters serve as the ultimate example of American consumerism. In most countries, the biggest problem is potable drinking water. In America, we pay to filter water that has already been filtered, and make drinkable water even more drinkable. This one was easy - I used to vomit quietly every sixth week I had to pick up a replacement Pur filter at the corner Duane Reade. These filters average close to $14 dollars and came with a cute little sticker telling me exactly when the filtering prowess of that filter would expire (it said six weeks, but we found it to be more like four). Since January, Jill and I drink water from the tap anytime we are thirsty. In a surprising development, we haven't died.
  Savings: $14 per month


• Dry Swiffers: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH A BROOM!
  Savings: $12 dollars per month


• Glad ForceFlex Stretchable Strength Garbage Bags: I fucking hate garbage bags. THEY ARE BAGS WHOSE SOLE PURPOSE IS TO TAKE OUT YOUR GARBAGE WHICH MEANS THE BAGS THEMSELVES ARE GARBAGE WHICH MEANS YOU ARE ACTUALLY PAYING FOR FUCKING GARBAGE YOU FUCKING RODENT! Only Americans could be convinced to spend $8.49 on bags you immediately throw away.
  Savings: $17 dollars per month


• Mach 12 razors: I'm actually unaware of the current sound-barrier-busting level of razors, as I stopped buying them over five years (as evidenced by the corresponding growth of my beard). All I know is that when I first moved to New York, I went to a Duane Reade to purchase a Mach 98, and saw that the price came close to $18. Replacement blades were even worse, coming in at around $22 for a ten-pack. I bought a bag of disposables that day for $5, and never bought another razor again. As an added savings, I'd recommend you move in with a woman (or head-shaving man) and have him / her buy the razors which you then proceed to borrow.
  Savings: $18 per month


• Wet Swiffers: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH A MOP!
  Savings: $14 dollars per month
  
• Cottonelle/Quilted Northern/Charmin Toilet Paper: IT IS YOUR FUCKING ASSHOLE! Do you really need to pamper it like it is the prince of Sweden? This one is easy as possible: You go to a store, and you see that the local Rite-Aid brand is 89 cents for a roll. Then you look at Quilted Northern and see that it is $1.89 for a roll. If you then decide on that Quilted Northern toilet paper, you have failed at your job and deserve to die broke and miserable with a beautiful anus. The savings here go beyond price: Charmin, because it is soft and fluffy and made of clouds, only has like 12 crap-wipes per roll. The Rite-Aid brand, because it is thin and barely covers your thumb, offers 23 crap-wipes per roll.
  Savings: $8 dollars per month


• Oral-B CrossAction Pro-Health Toothbrush with CrissCross and Power Tip Bristles: As a man who works in the advertising industry, I can advise you that any product using words like "CrissCross and Power Tip Bristles" is to be avoided at all costs.
  Savings: $5 dollars per month.