My recent loss of fourteen pounds of weight was actually my gain. The weight loss did not owe itself to the proven powers of the South Beach or Grapefruit fads, but rather the new and innovative Knee diet. The diet involves a surgeon threading a thick tangle of spider legs between your tibia and fibula, and then you sitting on your ass for two weeks watching Modern Marvels and Mad Money and other shows with repeating M's. You can eat what you want - frozen enchiladas from Trader Joes, frozen tamales from Trader Joes, and frozen pizzas from Trader Joes - and don't have to exercise in any way, other than occasionally picking up and ringing the small bell that calls over your fiancee. Fortunately you won't be all that hungry as a result of the medication, general lethargy, and Jim Cramer's voice. You'll shave off three pounds in a the first few days alone as your quadriceps and hamstring atrophy, giving your leg the appearance of a yogurt pop licked by a dragon. Soon, more pounds will melt away from other muscle groups, including your assle (ass muscle), shoulders, and calves. Sadly you will regain some of the lost weight as your arms grow terrifyingly huge from climbing up and down subway stairs on crutches. Ignore the epidermis burns underneath your armpit.
The biggest loss, however, is gained from the suspension of daily alcohol consumption. Fourteen days of beer avoidance is guaranteed to drop eight pounds: The removal of beer calories will account for five of those pounds, while the removal of chicken wings, Wendy's, and egg and bacon sandwiches consumed in a drunken Godzilla eating spree will remove the additional weight. This weight loss provides you a brief respite from your generally pudgy, melted rubber build. As with all diets, however, the weight will eventually return, as you reclaim the daily alcohol and fries consumption that serves a crutch for your weak ability to deal with the rigors of daily life and Mad Money watching.