I've been described as a lot of things: random, loud, Danish, monkey-obsessed, witty, fart-obsessed, selfish, super-fart-obsessed, insightful, warlike. However, there's one word that's never been spoken when words are spoken of me: sexy.
To this day, I watch movies with sexy male actors performing all sexy and analyze exactly what sexy is (thus confirming I am not sexy - sexy people do not analyze sexy). Is it the perfectly-groomed jaw stubble? The exotic Italian skin? The smoldering eyes, window to an ocean of passion? The mysterious, quiet persona which masks a lack of thought? The aggressive physicality, resulting in ripped panties? The aloof stupidity mistaken for intensity? The mechanic overalls? The loft-apartment filled with erotic paintings of hoofed animals?
I think we can all agree the most common attribute among all sexy men is clear: confidence. You cannot be sexy if you are not confident. Unfortunately, my brain was always too active for confidence. I was constantly analyzing every situation, every move, every word. Sexy people tend to be stupid, or at least empty-headed, as they are able to act without thought: Pulling a girl close you just met on the subway and staring in her eyes while saying something sexy but nonsensical like "i'd leave life for you" requires a minimum of thinking (if I were in the situation, as example, my mind would race: this might go badly. the girl doesn't even know me. how's my hair? is that homeless guy in the handicap seat over there masturbating? i think my contact lens just fell out. oh god, where is my contact lens. my lips are chapped.) I suppose it is possible sexy people have mastered the ability of turning off their thought-process while being sexy, though more likely it indicates they never had a thought process to begin with.
The only other path to confidence is practice. When you practice something enough, you become confident in it. This helps explain the intelligent, confident athlete or CEO - But it does not explain the confident sexy person. How can you practice being sexy? In middle school, I was lucky to get to sit next to a girl in class, more or less talk to her. Where was the stable of girls you could rip through one-by-one, fine-tuning your sexy moves? If you actually liked a girl, you didn't want to fuck it up by trying a new sexy move - such as painting a water color of your penis on her back - and having it backfire.
I knew I wasn't sexy from the beginning. Even in fourth-grade, it was easy to tell who had it and who didn't. Mike White walked the halls with confidence, winking at girl after girl, asking "what's up?", causing an epidemic of fluttering hearts in just a few minutes time. I, on the other-hand, was busy tripping over my overly-grown feet, pushing my glasses up on my zit-dusted nose, holding my pants up around my boney waist -- I didn't have the inherited blessings of sexiness: a foreign accent, brown skin, dark eyes, a desire to ride a motor scooter, a love of guitar solos. And I was a late bloomer. In middle school, Gary Thompson would talk about getting a "hummer" and "getting my ballz licked", and I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, nor did whatever it was sound all that appealing at the time.
In the following years, any attempt to be sexy was thwarted by my respect for females: I feared what girls thought of me. Their thoughts were sharp needles that could poke deeply and permanently into my self-confidence. Sexy men do not fear women, which gives them the courage to do passionate and unexpected things: like grab their breasts when their boyfriend isn't looking. When spontaneously grabbing a girl's breasts when her boyfriend isn't looking, there is a chance she will get really pissed. But there is a chance she will find it exhilarating and enjoy it. The sexy man takes takes that risk, knowing that if she gets pissed, he could care less. There will be another girl with a boyfriend whose breasts you can grab tomorrow (Sexy men don't waste their time on single women. They only deal with the taken, as that is forbidden, and hence, more sexy.) In my case, any time the need for a sexy move was called for, I respected the woman and overthought it, and thus became hesitant - which is the anti-sexy.
It is something i'll have to live with the rest of my life. The next time a sexy move is called for, don't go looking for me. I'll most likely just vomit, shiver, and then run off.