misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

I'm sitting here late on the Friday of a holiday weekend about 2.5 bottles of wine into a great night. Jill has long since gone to bed. To her defense, I've got about a hundred pounds on her at this point. The reason for the blog is simple: I was inspired upon the last twenty minutes of watching arguably my favorite movie of all time: The Predator. I remember the first time I saw this movie in 7th grade, at Steve Chaney's house in Rancho Bernardo. The beauty of this movie is how it stands the test of time, even in the day of limitless CGI technologies. This movie was made two years before the dawn of CGi, marked by Terminator 2, a James Cameron movie, which introduced morphing technology to the world, forever (and arguably regrettably) changing the face of movies forever. The reason I mention this, besides the fact that I'm partly drunk, is that The Predator may be the last genuine movie ever made in America. I think this is important, because even as I go to movie after movie (the last being "The Dark Night") in the past decade, and despite the endless advances in technology, nothing quite matches the beautiful build of tension found in "The Predator". It is arguable that after "Terminator 2", which utilized modern technology to its fullest, the advent of CGI has actually been detrimental to the art of filmmaking. I think a viewing of "The Predator" bears this out. Before CGI, you had to improvise: In a movie like "The Predator", which is based upon the battle between the world's best military soldiers and the universe's best protaganist (in this case, a seven foot two inch actor named Kevin Peter Hall, who played basketball at George Washington University, and died of AIDS in 1991, and, as any good Predator fan knows, can be seen in his real skin at the very end of the movie, when a helicopter arrives to rescue Arnold/Dutch, after the detonation of the alien nuclear bomb .. He's the black dude in the co-pilot seat of the helicopter). Ok, now that Jill's in bed and I'm about three bottles of cheap red wine in, I've lost my train of thought. No fear, i've regained it. So, in any event, the reason this movie passes the test of time in a way modern films built out of CGI technologies (last year's "Transformers" comes to mind) is because it was built out of HUMANS. I all-caps that word HUMANS because it is important to this discussion, particularly in comparison to "Transformers". Before the true advent of CGI, I movie like "Predator" had to make the most out of what was possible in the real world. In this instance, they had to make it seem realistic that a team of human soldiers, delta force in this case, was up to the challenge of defeating a monumental challenge, a huge futuristic creature that was able to see in both normal sight and infrared, and, as part of his arsenal, was able to lock in to the beating heart of a human with his automated missile system. So, because they were only able to depend upon the breadth of human talent, without the aide of a computer, they seeked out the biggest men on earth. This search led them to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was by any measure, the largest human being on earth. He was a seven-time Mr. Olympian, unprecedented to this day. He was, literally, the biggest human being on earth, and, fortunately, he happened to act as well. After that, they went after the next biggest humans, including Jessie "The Body" Ventura (aka Blain), a professional wrestler, Carl Weathers (aka Dillon), Bill Duke (aka Mac), and Sonny Landham (aka Billy, who, incidentally, as any true fan of "The Predator" theory is aware, ran for the office of governor of Kentucky as a Republican, hoping to follow in the successful footsteps of both Arnold [governor of california] and Jessie [governor of minnesota]. He was unsuccessful). In any event, suffice to say, as anyone who has seen the movie can tell you, they were able to assemble a believable cast of humans who were, at that time, both in the movie and in the real world, the best of the best. The kinds of human beings who, if real seven-foot aliens with heart-seeking missiles ever attacked, they'd actually send out, actors or not. They were fucking big, and strong, and impressive. So what is the point? Well, compare that with now. Because of CGI, the last real action-hero movie based upon large, indestructible foreign invaders, aka "The Transformers", who did they send out to defend us? Yes, no other than 5' 9" Shia Leboeuf. Barely better than our last tangle of stars: 5' 10" Matt Damon and 5' 8" Mark Wahlberg, both of whom who at least have muscle, unlike Shia. They could cover for this obvious physical deficiency with CGI technologies, unlike the could in "The Predator". And that is why "The Predator" is the last honest movie ever made in America. No computers, no fake bullshit, no algorithms. Just a big mother fucking dude, who, to this day, I'd still select to defend me in the event of alien invasion. Feel free to offer alternatives, but, I must insist, I refuse to put the future of the human race in the hands of Shia Leboeuf. In this way, CGI has ruined the modern movie, and until the world can produce a believable world savior in the mold of the hulking, bulging, intimidating, giant, animalistic, super-human mold of Arnold, The Predator will stand the test of time as the best man movie ever made in the history of the earth.