misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

On this week's episode of Top Chef, the contestant chefs were asked to make an "upscale" taco, with the winner gaining immunity. The guest judge was Rick Bayless, celebrity chef of an "upscale" Mexican restaurant in Chicago called Topolobampo, which besides being the worst name for a restaurant in modern times, is apparently the name of a small seaport city in Mexico.

Because Jill told me to stop yelling at the TV, I had to write this blog. Several of the contestants (especially the two from San Francisco) had the same response to the challenge as i did: Upscale taco?? What the fuck is that? Where I come from, an upscale taco is one that doesn't give you Hepatitis B. Tacos are a soulful expression of Mexican culture, to be made with corn tortillas pounded out in old cast iron skillets on the streets of Tijuana, dirt and feces and donkeys painted like zebras surrounding you. In revolt, some of the chefs refused to deviate from the soul of a taco, using proper carnitas and fresh lime. This arrogant, gay judge Rick Bayless chided these chefs, telling them it was fine as a "street" taco, but was not "upscale". Ultimately, the winning taco had duck and aged cheese from somewhere in Europe and some other vegetable shit I stopped listening to. Duck in a fucking taco? Since when is that even remotely acceptable? I've had duck in a taco before. It is called Peking duck, and it is Chinese food, not Mexican food.

It reminds me of the first time I went to Dos Caminos, the "upscale" (yes, i will use quotes anytime I say the word "upscale" to remind you of how much I hate that word) Mexican restaurant in NYC: I set eyes on the 15 dollar enchiladas and immediately put down the menu. There was no need to continue. "Upscale" and Mexican just cannot be merged at any point in time. Upscale ruins everything Mexican food remotely stands for: the tastes and impressions of the hard-working culture of the Mexico countryside. It isn't meant to cost 15 dollars. And it isn't meant to have duck in it, either. Blood? Yes. Duck? No.

Going online to find the menu of Topolobampo reveals the following dishes:

Crema De Ajo Verde Y Zanahoria: creamy green garlic and organic carrot soup studded with applewood-smoked heritage turkey, güero chiles and cilantro

Tamales De Garbanzo: Enrique's garbanzo tamales (steamed in banana leaves) with wild mushroom mole and sunflower shoot salad

Pollito a Las Brasas: border-style, organic Gunthorp rock hen, half-boned, marinated in red chile, garlic and sweet spices, and grilled. Frijoles charros, charcoaled green onions, young greens

So, this is where we are. Mexican food where garbanzo replaces shredded pork, rock hen replaces chorizo, and organic carrot soup replaces tamales. 10% of the taste for 500% of the price.

Should this be the point where I reveal that Rick Bayless is an old white guy born in the Midwest? That no Mexican in his right mind would ever even attempt to destroy his cuisine with such arrogant culinary shit? That the only reason his restaurant is known as the top "upscale" Mexican food restaurant in the nation is because white Chicagoans get seriously impressed when they see the word queso, and just think it is so cute when they eat "ethnic" food?

I won't go on now about how, later in the episode, the chefs were chided for cooking sliders and corn dogs at a local Chicago block party, instead of Paella and ceviche (as if that is what you crave at a block party). Suffice to say, the elitists in the culinary world are partially responsible for ruining cuisine itself. I eat at so-called "top restaurants" in NYC at least once a month. Sometimes, all I get is a heavy bill and an arrogant plate. Some chefs need to know when to leave well enough alone: A taco should always be a taco. The minute you make it out of anything other than a tortilla and carnitas, it is no longer a taco. If you want to make it upscale, use pork from a pig that didn't feed off of Jaurez street garbage for a few years, don't use fucking duck. All you'll get is food for white rich people who want to eat what they always do anyway, but pretend they are somehow cultural because duck is now called pato. F Rick Bayless, F his restaurant Topelogoelgoeloe, F culinary elitists, and F ducks.