misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

At least once a week, we (we = everyone at my company and me) receive an email introducing all the new employees who've just started employment that week. These emails include a photograph of the new employee, and answers to "fun" (by fun, I mean gay) questions that are meant to peel back the onion skin and really show us what this employee is all about. These questions are your usual generic fare about favorite movies, proudest moments, etc. I usually skim over these emails, as my desire to discover Account Executive James Folk's favorite movie is fairly minimal. Yesterday, however, as I skimmed over another such email, one new employee's answers to the questions were so full-of-shit and pretentious, I knew they had to be shared with you. These are real questions, and real answers from the new employee:

Q. What character from a book or movie do you most identify with?

What the fuck? Genevieve? Umbrellas of Cherbourg? And how'd you get that accent mark in there over the e? Is that proper French? Let me try: ª º ¢ ¶ ¡ £ 𠨥 ® ´∂ß ... No fucking luck. She obviously knows the keystroke for accent marks (which is impressive when you don't even write a word and I already know you are full of shit). Who answers The Umbrellas Of Cherbourg? Who are you trying to convince of your enlightened movie tastes? A quick wiki search reveals:

"The Umbrellas of Cherbourg" (French: Les Parapluies de Cherbourg) is a musical film made in 1964. The film dialogue is all sung as recitative, even the most casual conversation.

Sounds great. No way in hell do you identify with a main character from a French musical from 1964. I refuse to allow this. You are 155% full of shit. If I went to your house, I guarantee you'd have You've Got Mail and The Notebook laying out.

Q. What moment are you most proud of?

Never have I seen so much bullshit shoved into a five word sentence. In fact, of the five word sentence, four of these words are totally full of shit, leading to an astonishing 80% shit rate, which might be some sort of record. In fact, you probably spent a few minutes trying to figure out how you could infuse the word "with" with some sort of bullshit, which would have made your sentence 100% bullshit. In one sentence, you've told me that you tap dance, made reference to a little-known name that you selected only because you knew we wouldn't recognize it and that makes you look smart, and implied that you are so cool you actually interacted with said esoteric name in the form of tap dancing. Another quick search in the wiki reveals:

Savion Glover (born November 19, 1973 in Newark, New Jersey) is an American actor, tap dancer and choreographer.

Bullshit.

This has become impressive now. As a writer, I marvel at the subtle innuendos you are able to work into your seemingly innocent sentences. Here's what we know about you at this point:

• You watch obscure French musicals from the 1960's directed by Jacques Demy.
• You tap dance.
• You hang out with other people who tap dance, and are talented enough to perform with a tap dancer who is revered among groups of people who would revere tap dancers.
• You are in an a capella group.
• This a capella group is so passionate and skilled, you are able to drown out the cacophonous sounds of the subway.
• You are willing to get arrested for your art. (or were you arrested because subway goers preferred the horrific sounds of the subway to your a capella group?)

The beauty of this is you might have been trying to impress us with your obscure talents and knowledge, but in truth, the only thing your words have communicated to me is that you are conceited, self-absorbed, and totally unaware of self. If I were you writing that same statement, I would write that you are turgid, magniloquent, and specious.

Actually, all things considered, this is your least offensive answer. I've actually heard of your answer, and may even have seen a movie with her. Still, it's a totally pompous and self-reverential answer, but at least your bullshit is consistent. And after reading your answers, that's about the only compliment I'm able to give.