misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

This weekend I attended my first ever traditional Jewish wedding (being from the West Coast, i've only recently been introduced to this fabulous culture. There are more polar bears in San Diego than Jews). I've always wanted to attend a Jewish wedding, as I wanted to know where it would place on my list. By list, of course, I mean the ranking I keep of wedding quality, cross-referenced by ethnicity and religion. In my time as the premiere wedding jockey of discs in the San Francisco metro area, I had the opportunity to attend the weddings of white, asians, blacks, mexicans, and indians (those who like eating curry, not those who like opening casinos). Based on those experiences, I offer the following rankings:

5. White Weddings - Yes, Billy Idol sang a song about these, probably because he was white. And had 100 mg of heroin flowing through his veins at the time. But, in truth, white people weddings will always grace the bottom of any list. And I'm not just saying this because I am white, and by ranking it last, it allows me the ability to stereotype other cultures, which I shall soon be doing. White weddings are steeped in the torturously boring traditions that most of us associate with weddings in general: cake cuttings, bouquet tosses, father/daughter dances, bad music heavy with snare drums (including conga lines to Hot! Hot! Hot! by Buster Poindexter), dry salmon plates, cliche speeches, old people with blistered legs, etc. White weddings are plagued by a formality and lack of originality that make more than 50% of them intolerable. Going to a white wedding is like going to a horror movie: you know what you are going to get, moan when you get it, then forget it as soon as you leave. This holds true even for destinations, where the white girl braids her hair rasta-style in an attempt to be unlike the other white weddings.

4. Asian Weddings - I can't speak to Asian weddings in Asia, as i've never been to one. But Asian weddings in America (of which I've been to thousands, thanks to Lee insisting on naming our business "SF Ninja Weddings" .. he might as well named it "Xiang Chu Wang Productions") are generally based upon the white wedding format, with slight improvements. Instead of the shitty dry salmon dish, you get 10-courses, including imitation shark-fin soup, which gives one the sensation of being a bear gnawing on a human spine. The other pleasure of an Asian wedding is the red-faced, drunken Chinese uncle's thirty-minute toast, in Cantonese, complete with a relative having to usher him off stage. You also don't get much dance-time at an Asian wedding, as the 10-courses and myriad of speeches (by the thousands of relatives in attendance), there is time for a slow dance, then you're done. The benefit of an Asian wedding, if you are the one being wed, is the red envelope tradition in which you stock up on cash from rich relatives. This beats the white wedding tradition of getting crock pots and big wooden spoons from Crate and Barrel.

3. Black Weddings - While based on the white wedding format, black weddings offer two critical improvements: better music, and better alcohol. I've been to black weddings that held the philosophy: fuck the food, let's dance! And you can rest assured that you won't be dancing to Bob Seger or Elvis Presley: You'd better prepared for a steady diet of Jay-Z and Michael Jackson. And you'll be doing this with a glass filled with cognac, or other fine alcohols reserved for celebrations. It's an extension of the cultural stereotypes in general: white weddings are buttoned-up and uncool, while black weddings are relaxed and cool. So why only third on the list? Location. They might splurge on Cognac, but that's mostly because they saved money by holding the reception in the back banquet room at Red Lobster.

2. Mexican Weddings - Yes, i've only been to one. But the one was a top-scorer for all time. Unlike most other weddings, Mexican weddings are built around a celebration, from beginning to end. There's none of that bullshit pretense you find at most other weddings .... There's no chantilly lace, mono-filament lights, multi-tiered cakes, custom wall drapes, flowers from holland, break-up lighting patterns, themed drinks, and so on. At a Mexican wedding, you'll get homemade tortillas, pinto beans, and tamales. If you want a drink, you should mix yourself a margarita or pour a cup from the keg located by the bar. The DJ is also your neighbor, and he'll have no problem playing songs about cocks, pussies, cocks in pussies, and fat asses. And, if you are a good-looking Asian man in your late twenties, there's a good opportunity for you to hook up with a high school chick. Good times from start to finish.

1.5. Indian Weddings - Indian weddings have all the good qualities of Mexican weddings, but on a higher scale. It is a two day celebration, instead of one, usually costing in the hundreds of thousands of dollars, depending where you lie on the caste system. Food is similar to the Mexican weddings, in that it is plentiful and tasty, only instead of tamales, you get samosas, and instead of beans, you get curried rice. Indian music is superior to white wedding music. The henna body art adds a certain mystique to the proceedings. I could go on, but that would take time away from announcing the new official first place:

1.0. Jewish Weddings - Any wedding that BEGINS by carrying the bride and groom in around the dance floor in chairs to a hip-hopped version of Hava Nagila is as of now the gold standard for weddings the world over.