misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

The day has arrived. Details are still hazy as to whether or not we are going for the Power Hour or full Century Club, but when the guests arrive that determination will be made. In any event, i've prepared. Went to the gym this morning, ate a protein-rich breakfast (i.e. i gave my neighbor a blowjob), have been drinking plenty of water, and have taken the necessary pills (anti-heartburn). I'll provide upates as the activities progress.

4:30 PM
We are about to begin. My beer of choice is Coors Light, with a mix of Bud Light, to see which is better. Jessie and Jill are joining John and I for as long as they can. My stomach is ok now (it never feels good). A bit unsettled. But maybe that is nervousness. So enough, let's get started.

4:40 PM
The first ten go down pretty easy. I'm burping readily, not feeling bloated. The Coors Lite was a good choice. A bit carbonated, but then, I guess I couldn't expect water. I can already see where the difficulty will arise. The minutes go by more than you expect. I can drink a lot, but at my own pace. This pace is forced. If I need a few minutes to gather myself, I don't have it. I'm questioning what I ate this morning (a bagel, some soy milk, some chips). That isn't enough. The stomach is a bit shrunk. The reason for this was Lee's story of eating before his attempt. He filled up on sushi, and made it to 38 due to lack of space. I didn't want to make that same mistake, but may have erred on the side of too little food - after 10, I'm feeling a quarter full, which puts me at 40 shots. Though as long as I beat Lee's number, I'll accept anything else.

4:50 PM
Twenty shots in. I'm feeling it (probably because of the empty stomach). The interesting part is how little a shot is. I'm used to big drinks when I drink. The shots are small. But their frequent. Amazing how quick a minute comes. Stomach feels fine at this point. Not perfect, but acceptable. The girls are still hanging strong. My biggest concern at this point is my inability to burp. It is an affliction i've always had. I have burps sit in the middle of my esophagus (proof that I'm feeling it, it just took me two minutes/two shots to figure out the spelling of esophagus). Playing on the iPod: 2Pac/Hit 'Em Up. My burps have been ok, but this is clearly going to be a problem. I need more than a minute to burp, and nothing is worse than taking a shot when you have to burp. Whoops. Just burped and beer came up. Time to go.

5:00 PM
My shot taking sucks. I swallow, I don't gulp. That's why I fucking suck at beer bongs. I can't open my throat up. Something to do with my paranoid, fucking hypochondriac nature. I feel like i'll choke. It reminds me of when I was in 8th grade and had to take Tetracycline for my acne problem. I would chop up the pills because I was afraid I'd choke on them, even though the instructions told you to never break up the pill (the reason for this I read just about six months ago: most of a pill is a placebo. the active part of it is usually in the center, and requires interaction with your stomach acids to activate. If you break it or cut it, the chemical reaction is broken, and it can fuck everything up. That probably why I had zits through high school). Anyway, I'm definately feeling it at shot 30. I should've eaten more. Proof I'm almost drunk: I just told a useless story from my childhood, can't spell correctly, am totally losing concentration. See right there, just forgot an and.

5:10 PM
Stomach is feeling it. Tossing and turning a bit. Amazing how quick you can actually get drunk when you force the issue. At a bar, it takes hours. But then, you are spending hours drinking. Not this time. When you really want to get drunk you can. I remember when we were in college at condo 12 and headed to a party at Theta Chi. We had 15 minutes, and needed to get drunk. We hit four shots of Jagermeister (is that the right spelling?) in those 15 minutes and were totally drunk. That's my personal record.

I love that I'm 32 and talking about this.

I'm hurting.

5:20 PM
Shot 40. I'm highly doubting this will happen. I'm gonna try to beat the 65 you guys tested me with. But no more. The girls have dropped out. We have a puppy here that Jessie brought. Why the fuck did Jessie bring a puppy? She doesn't have one. Some friend I guess. I'm definately feeling it. Why is definately underlined as if I spelled it wrong? I'm pretty sure that is right. The minutes are FLYING by. Literally, I just wrote that sentence and John said, "shot." Very non-descript when he speaks. Just informs me. Like he's telling me that my cable bill is due.

Stomach is hurting. Every burp brings back a beer. This blog is gonna suffer.

5:33 PM
Not sure what is happening here. It is 5:33 PM. Not sure where we are on the shots. Not sure I can type, actually. I'm definately drunk. God fucking damn it. Why is this underlining definately? Am I spelling it wrong? This fucking spell check is like an evil fucking warlock. What is the difference between a warlock and a wizard? I wanted to say wizard but then chose warlock. What about a sorcerer? What is that? How are they different? What is a female warlock? A Warlockess? I know sorceress works. Jesus. It seems like John calls "shot" every fucking second. Seriously, he must be fucking with me. This is not every minute. No chance.

I have no chance of hitting 100. No fucking chance. Can I beat Kenta's pick? Kohli's pick. I'll fucking make that. I just gotta hit 70.

Amazing. Before trying this. 100 shots of beer sounded like nothing. I thought I'd have no problem. But this is definately added up. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Fucking stop underlining definately! I know it is right!!!! fuckers.

5:40 PM
Food is helping. Not sure if that is allowed in college level. But true Century Club means no pissing, no food, no anything. But that's bullshit. I'm 32, i Make the fucking rules. That was nice just now. Capitalizing the M in make. NOt sure why. But the . hmm. forgot the sentence there. Jesus. Another shot. One sec. I got a second wind. but then lost it. This is like sixteenth wind. Now I feel like i'm gonna puke.

Just got an update. shot 56.

5:50 PM
Hmm, not sure why I wrote 5:50. It is 5:47 Pm. small m. I'm definately getting a small wind. I swear to all of you, those of you who read, those of you who don't read, those of the small children of people who wear undergarments, and to the walrus professors, if this fucking this underlines hmm or definately one more time i'm gonna fucking freak. why is i'm underlined? cause it isn't a capital I? fuck this system. fucking grammar fucking nazi fucking carpet fucker.

6:00 PM
Jesus. The benefit here is that the drunker I get the easier it is to take shots. I'm in respectable territory. 6yso shots. whoops. 60 shopts. FUCK. 60 shots. power hour accomplished. stomach doesn't feel good. lik a little gnome is digging a grave in there (i am not drunk enough to forget that gnome needs a g, unlike nome, alaska. not sure if that is right). Jill is getting a rum and coke now. Jessie is talking in Babylonian sanskrit.

Not sure what is happening here. Concentration is difficult.

On the ipod: Jurassic 5: What's golden.

Stomach hurts.

6:10 PM
discussion has turned to the golden anniversary, which john assures me is 75 shots. what are all of those? the diamond anniversary, golden, hairy beaver, etc. stomach is hurting,. not like in vomit level, but in like it feels like Seattle is sitting inside of it. All of seattle. the drunker i get the better chance i have. hey: fuck you!

Shit, for some reason i just looked at the clock, and it is only 5:56, not 6":10 what happened. Welcome 32!dr

6:20 PM
Drunk just happened. shot 71, but our recording has been off. stomach hurts. full, nauseus, everything. can't go much longer. we busted out the music, hope that helps. literally. at this very moment, right around the l of literally, i got drunk. i am fuly drunk. can't spell or think right. hurting. not sure i can take another.

Ok. I tap out. one more shot and i'll puke. my official count is 77. went past the power hour, beat lee, ACCOMPLISHED (whoops hit caps lock) accomplished my goal. i need a break now, cause hers's the rpbolem .if i keep going, i'll puke, for sure. so i need to assess why i'm doing this. puking, hit 100 or just call it a night. i am content with 77. that is my stomach's capacity. any more and it is dangerous.

on the ipod: Lynard Skynard, sweet home alabama.

Now that i have a break, i'm going back in. Second wind. Haven't puked yet.

6:18 PM

bakc in the game.

tapped out for four shots. the amount of beer cans is amazing. reminds me of stephen upstairs. taking a bunch of shots doesn't mean much. but when you see the cans you realize your accomoplishment.

amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it. usually that means one-legged people scaling mt. everest or women going to mars, but now it means mark anderson drinking 100 beers.

after a 3-minute break (no puking) i'm back in the game. on shot 80.

6:30 PM

i need someone other than jesus to say where i am right now. usually jesus is enough but not tongith. usually jesus is for before 80 shots. this is for past that. i need some new savior. like from the egyptians. Io. i think that is the god of the sun or something. so now, Io. Dear Io, I am hurting. Stomach is full beyond capacity. Literally, this is like putting a 27 inch cock into a woman. Just can't take anymore. That's what i'm doing, only i'm the woman. Some fat greasy hairy guy is sweating on top of me trying to stick it in. and more than anything i want him off. oh, there was a good burp, helped me. i might not do century club in 100 minutes, but i'll fucking do it you assholes. Dios Io!

6:50 PM - Guest blogger Jonh Graham, as I am unable to continue with my blog due to drunkennesss. I sjust ended 100 shots, and i don't think you will believe me, so i need esxplanation from John:

6:52 PM EST - Mark Andersin, despite "capacity" issues, is a right and true member of ther century club. WFU baby.

6:48 PM EST - Hi. Jessie Here. I have just witnessed Mark Anderson and John Graham become official members of this "Century Club" on September 22, 2007. One day before Mr. Anderson turns the ripe old age of 32. So Yeah, between the farts and burbs and dancing to tu pac and pep talks - they made it. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to contact me. (p.s. I do believe this was worthy of my first "blog" entry ever.) And now I'll go back to watching John attempt to breakdance and fake hump everything. including the plant.

7:11 as in the store. Yes, tis true. Mark Anderson has taken 100 full one once shots of beer and John Graham has taken exactly 100 as well. Jessie May and I had 30 shots plus a rum and coke, so that said I am a reliable witness. Although I had doubts in my man he actually did it. I know right? I guess that steak and McDonalds twice this week prepared his stomach for the century clubith. Quite a kick-off to the 32nd year. Some of you have wives, some have babies. Mark has 100 shots. Amen. - JC

7:20 PM
Mark is back, wrecks in effects. Not sure what anyone posted, but i'm gonna submit it anyway. The official story is this, I hit 100, but took a three-shot break when I thought I might puke. I hope the above people have verified that.

I am 32.

I am 16.

Both make sense tonight.