As I sat in the bathroom stall this morning taking my scheduled morning poo, I was overwhelmed by the realization that I was only one person on one floor taking one poo in one building of over twenty-five floors. Crunching some numbers in my head (as I crunched some poo out of my butt), I was able to determine the following equation:
PPH x BR = DPR
In layman's terms, that is to say that the number of poos per hour, multiplied by the number of building residents equals the daily poo rate (with a plus/minus factor of one poo-unit). Plugging in some numbers, I was able to conclude that the DPR of our building alone was an astonishing 4,375 (I can't believe I actually just broke out a calculator to figure that one out). This is, of course, taking into account that some people do not take any poos during the average work day, whereas others will take multiple poos. Also, keep in mind that the DPR of 4,375 isn't an actual count of the number of poo-units, as few people only leave one single piece of poo in the toilet after an average defecation. At an average rate of 2.43 poos per visit, that puts the amount of poo generated by my building at an astonishing 10,631.25 poo-units.
So, 10,631.25 poo-units coming from one building on one average day. If you multiply it by the number buildings in Mahattan (which I refuse to do over total fear of the numbers), that is an absolutely staggering amount of feces for a single municipality to deal with. And when you take those numbers across weeks, months, and years ... It honestly overwhelms me. How can any government department deal with that? Once I flush it, where exactly does it end up? Is there a giant poo-eating dragon somewhere who lives underground? Do they burn it and use it to run the subways? Does it just accumulate in a giant hole and now there is a poo-continent the size of antarctica somewhere? I need to know these things.
By the time all this thinking was done, I was done with my poo. So I flushed the toilet, sending my poo off to the netherworld,. I went back to my job, feeling good that I had just given the poo people a new assignment.