misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

First of all, why did I just see a grown man brushing his teeth in the work bathroom? Who brings a toothbrush, toothpaste, and floss to work? Didn't you just come from home, where you brushed your teeth? Or are you one of those progressive dudes that needs to cleanse his prized pearly whites of the morning coffee, and then the afternoon sandwich. Or maybe you just got done sucking dick in the men's stall, and had to recover. In any event, it impedes my ability to defecate in the stall when a man is brushing his teeth five feet from me. Are you the same guy who stands in his boxers and flexes in the bathroom right after masturbating to a Tony Robbins CD? To clarify the obvious, work bathrooms should be used for the following purposes:

A) Shitting
B) Pissing
C) Washing Hands
D) Any combination of the above

Work bathrooms should not be used for:

A) Brushing Teeth
B) Sucking Dick (unless it is by a woman or Muse)
C) Writing Term Papers

I can't believe this even had to be explained to the public. The other point of clarification, after a vague assault by Taj in his blog, is why I am not good at answering or returning phone calls. Using the Roman Layout method as presented above, let me explain:

A) New York: In New York, you are never home. You are at work, restaurants, bars, subways, taxis, leprechaun's secret dens. In these locations, it is difficult to answer phone calls, as your voice tends to be overwhelmed by the aural tones of an Algerian cabdriver arguing with a Cambodian hot dog vendor on 5th Avenue, complimented by the sweet song of six fire trucks driving by simultaneously.

B) Quality: If I pick up the phone, I have to be prepared to have an engaging, hour-long conversation. Short of this, I'd rather not have the talk. I don't like that whole "Hey, what's up. I'm busy, let me call you back later this week" thing. Not answering accomplishes the same goal. It is telling you: I'm busy. If I weren't, i'd pick up. A good conversation is work. I will not accept anything less than perfect.

C) Dick-Factor: I just refuse to be one of those phone dicks who is always on the phone, chatting it up like Ari from Entourage, only about shit one-tenth as interesting.

So there you have it. Explanation. You can absorb it all, while you wait for me to call you back. Probably not tonight, though.