For a good chunk of my life, I've been a judger. Yes, I know "judger" sounds like a metal piece that breaks in your garbage disposal, or a type of bat in cricket. But, in more proper terms, it's personality-type, quite common to those of the Catholic faith.
The ultimate irony of the Catholic faith is that a primary tenet is "Judge not lest ye be judged", yet one of the most enduring talents I learned from my religious upbringing was how to judge basically everything. Catholicism, as with much of Christianity, speaks of a perfect God, a perfect heaven, perfect saints, a perfect world, a perfect rulebook, a perfect Jesus. It was this perfection that you were to aspire to. As such, you quickly learned to recognize imperfections in the world around you - those things that were not made in the image of God, which was basically everything. All people, places, packaged goods, water slides, couch pillows, armadillos, Miami .... All these things have countless imperfections when studied closely. While others have oft accused me in life of being negative, this is wholly inaccurate. I am perfectly content, I just enjoy pointing out what is imperfect in the world around me. It isn't that I don't like that thing I am judging. I simply need to suggest a path for that thing so it can achieve perfection, as I myself am compelled to do. Sunnyvale was less perfect than, say, San Francisco, and I didn't mind telling you all of that fact, while providing ways for both to become perfect. Because what is anything if not constantly striving to improve, trying to become closer to God? (or trying to become further away from God, like Bryant street in San Francisco. God, in this case, representing only the human ideal of perfection).
The problem is, despite the fact I've spent the past twenty-five years judging, it recently occurred to me, I'm not particularly good at it.
The fundamental truth is I'm not smart enough to be a good judger. Good judging takes an insight into things I do not possess. You aren't a good judger either. (See, that is an example of me judging you, in a particularly cliche way .. I simply made a statement, claiming you were not good at judging, without providing any evidence or illuminating explanation, since I am incapable of both). If you look at it, everyone judges everyone the same way. We tend to simplify the complexity of human beings and our experiences into single, generic words, as we are incapable of penetrating the truth of the matter. Examples:
"He's selfish".
"She's a bitch."
"My teacher sucks balls."
"That gas station was lame."
Even when we try to be smart, we aren't. More examples:
"There was no real character development in that movie."
"I think the steak could've used more garlic-infused olive oil."
"Rome has an identity crisis between its heritage and its future."
You are still boiling complex issues down into generic explanations.
It's often the worst with people judging other people, particularly people they recently broke up with. They'll spew their dime-store psychoanalysis that we've all heard thousands of times before, but say it as if it is a real insight. Try this:
"The problem is he's totally insecure, so he overcompensates by being obnoxious."
"Because she's got big tits and a pretty face, she's never had to work hard for anything, so she's dumb as rocks."
"He was picked on all his life, so now he abuses his power because he gets off on it."
"She was an only child, so used to getting anything she wants. She's spoiled."
Really? Is that the entire person's personality? They are insecure? Spoiled? Dumb? That's it? That's the problem? That's the entire human being? And what are you? Totally confident and intelligent and giving?
The best is when there are four people in a group, sitting around playing video games. Then one of the guys goes, and you sit around and talk about what a dick that guy is. Then someone else goes, and you talk about what dick that guy is, too. And the two guys who left call each other on the way home to talk about what a dick you are.
That's the thing. These critiques and judgments completely lack insight, so in a sense, when you judge, you yourself are giving something to be judged on. I've spent my life judging ... i've judged you, i've judged your place of birth, i've judged the food you eat, i've judged your voice .. but lucky for you, all this judging has been very superficial. I don't really get anywhere with it. I still do it, mind you, but in that pathetic way, like those shitty tests you take personality.com, that tell you whether you are a "gushy gossip", "shy guy", "sexy single", or a "thirsty thinker" ... They know this, because you've answered ten simple questions that are obviously leading and nobody answers accurately, since nobody is actually aware of their own self.
The question will read, "On a Friday night, your friend calls to say she is heading to a party. You were planning chilling out and watching a movie. So you:
a) Stay in - Parties come and go.
b) Go out - Did someone say party?
c) Meet everyone after the movie - Gossip is great
Obviously, you can break yourself down into three people: The one who is popular and loves to go out, the one who prides himself/herself on their intellectual side, orthe one who is the likeable compromiser ... And all of which are full of shit. You are a combination of all of these things, but these quizzes have to help you understand the complexity of yourself through gross generalizations that you use later when on a date to tell somebody "who you are".
What do I think? I think you're a bitch. I think everyone is a bitch. I think Miami sucks. And I think after thirty-one years, the only thing i've realized is that everything in the world is imperfect, which, as far as I'm concerned, is perfect. The more I find wrong with everything, the more I like it. The imperfection is human, which I am. So now, when I watch a shitty movie, I enjoy it more than ever. I can bitch about it, and I will bitch about it, because bitching makes it real, which makes it good, because once I see the perfect movie, there will be no more movies to watch, and nothing left to say.