Since my dad discovered how to work email several years ago, I've received about two or three emails a month from him. Predominantly, these emails are chain mails that old people, unfamiliar with email protocol, often send. These emails usually share common identifying characteristics. They are:
1) Poorly Formatted: They have the carrot (>>>>>>) thing going that only happens when someone (i.e. old person) doesn't really understand their email client. The bigger issue is that, because my dad usually gets his emails from other old people, his emails are a culmination of weeks of incompetence piled on top of itself. As such, by the time I get the forward, there are so many spaces, colors, and random characters in the email, I have to scroll down for about twenty minutes before I hit the original message. It's like looking for a pretty girl in Sunnyvale (i.e. possible, but takes way too much effort, and usually has little pay-off). Adding insult to this electronic injury, even though the original email was just a two line joke, after all the formatting issues, it has bulged to about 10 MB in size.
2) Out-Of-Date: Because the people in question are old, they are behind the times. About six years behind the times, to be exact. This means that the emails I get from my dad are emails that I've already received from others. About 6 years ago, when email started. You know the Microsoft email stating that Bill Gates will send you 100 dollars just for forwarding the email? I'm sure you do, because it was one of the first-ever chain mails. I got it right around the same time I graduated college. Apparently, it is just reaching my dad as of about two weeks ago. Worse, it has about 6-years worth of poor formatting.
3) Inexplicable: Old people send along the chain mails that people of our generation have learned to delete due to the bullshit factor. These include emails promising money, good luck, or material reward for passing along, emails developing urban legends (like if you flash your lights at a car without them on, you'll get killed), and emails with a hundred picture attachments. Due to their technological castration, they also send along email petitions, in which they ask you to support some sort of issue by signing the bottom of the email and moving along. These too are poorly formatted.
4) Game-based: Old people like clever little games, like the one where you assign different numbers to the letters of the alphabet, then add up the number value of your name, and divide by the year, and somehow it hits a specific number listed at the end of the email. Like 89. Or really bad word games. Or emails that go completely over my head, such as the one that said, "You know you're from the midwest when ...", like, "You know you're from the midwest if you say pop instead of soda." Um. Ok.
5) Republican-ism: It's not in doubt: old people are republicans. All of them. That is why they send you emails of American flags, war support, and prayer chains (on a secret note, I'd love to pass along one of these prayer chains to you guys, just to see your reaction. For some reason, I can't imagine Age and Neal continuing this chain. Who knows, maybe I'm wrong). These particular emails are the ones that get me the most, as they usually criticize issues that I differ from my father on - the issues that old, white people have strong opinions on: immigration, death penalty, foreign policy. I usually let these emails go through without response, out of a) respect for my father and b) laziness. But yesterday, I'd had enough.
My dad sent along a chain mail spewing all sorts of racist facts about illegal immigrants, and demanding that we take action. Some highlights:
• "The FBI reports half of all members of gangs are illegal immigrants"
• "95% warrants for murder in Los Angeles County are for illegal immigrants"
• "LA County has over 21 spanish-speaking radio stations" (so fucking what??)
• "40% of workers in LA don't pay taxes because they are illegals"
The email claimed these facts, and the others, were from the LA Times. Which, of course a little bit of internet investigation revealed to be totally untrue. The email also said we were "fools" for letting this trend continue.
Growing up in San Diego, I feel strongly about the immigration issue. I'd tell you my opinion on it, but I highly doubt any of you particularly care. It is sufficient to say I disagreed with my dad's opinion (my dad, of course, being an old white guy, and I usually disagree with old white opinions), thus I penned an email informing him, and all the other people he had sent the email to, of my strong disagreement. My father, never shying away from an argument, responded in kind.
The problem is, I crossed the line I never wanted to cross. I faced off against my father. I've always accepted the differences in thought, and known to keep my mouth shut. You smile politely when he shares his, uh, conservative opinions regarding gay marriages, welfare, and fat people. You do this because you cannot challenge 70 years of thought. You take it, and move on. And make sure you counterweight those thoughts through your own. As soon as I sent the email, I regretted it. A temporary action caused by emotion, the kind I usually don't succumb to.
Luckily, in average dad fashion, after putting me in my place for my liberal opinions, he did what he always does. He ended the email with a joke. He told me I should call him this weekend to discuss the matter further: His Mexican housekeeper would be waiting for my call. Fair enough. My father's point had been made: If you want to communicate a point, use jokes. The minute I tried to be serious, I violated the family code. Hence, why I must end this blog like this: Age sucks unicorn dick.