misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

I was just about done with a blog, when I took a break to check wired.com, which had this story about The Onion News Network, which is launching later this month. That was the thing I got to the third round of last summer, before getting cut. I had comforted myself by thinking maybe the program was on hold or killed or something, which is why I hadn't heard back. But apparantly no such luck. So then I started reading over my old blog with the added insecurity of learning that, and realized it sucked, so you won't be reading it until I have more time to put into a better blog.

In my pity, I next started digging deeper into The Onion, trying to learn who the writers were and how they got there. At first glance, it seemed to be the story of everything I learn about - right place, right time. Someone just happened to be in Wisconsin which just happened to be where The Onion started and who just happened to have a best friend on the staff which just happened to have an opening ... that sort of thing. The sort of thing people like me comfort ourselves with to feel better when confronted by truly successful people. Then I remembered some quote that was something to the extent of luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity, which sucks because i am never prepared. Then I found a better quote about luck: "Success is simply a matter of luck. Just ask any failure." I'm not even really sure what it means, but probably has something to do with lazy people like me complaining that hard workers like them only succeed because of luck, which is a comforting thought to lazy fucks like me.

I kept reading, and learned that the writers of The Onion and Daily Show and Colbert Report always meet in a big room and talk about story ideas and headlines for seven or eight hours before deciding what moves forward. 99% of it is killed. That'd be like if 10 people helped write my blog over the course of a week, then it was edited, fact-checked, re-edited, then submitted. I'd like to think if I went through that process it'd be funnier. The problem here is that 99% of what I write moves forward, when in fact it should be killed. The other problem is that people like me sit back and bitch about successful people, but then don't do anything about it, such as, maybe for starters, actually going out there and trying. I'm sure all the people I went up against for The Onion had history as stand-up comics, publishing their own books, writing for TV shows - anything that showed they had true drive. Then you had me, who writes a mildy-entertaining blog once every couple of days that has three dedicated readers. And yet you think you can run with the big boys. Someone had to start The Onion at some point. Someone who had a whole lot more work ethic and motivation than I do. If I worked as hard as I complained, I'd be the fucking patron saint of the universe. So until I'm ready to actually try to do something instead of just talk doing something, I am going to suspend all bitching.

Ultimately, it all comes down to work. And true talent. Of which I have neither. So I shouldn't be complaining. So what should I be doing? Drinking. In odd numbers only, of course.

Let's see if I can't get past the third round of that.