misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

If you ever find yourself in the red-tiled room of a Puerto Vallarta resort at 4:26 A.M, holding nothing but a Canon digital camera and your penis, hovering over a friend in the grips of a tequila-induced coma, my advice to you is not to panic. The reason for this position is simple: You have outlasted your friend in a drinking contest, and as a result of this victory, you have the opportunity to immortalize your conquest through the use of the aforementioned Canon digital camera.

Further thought reveals what is fairly obvious: what image better signifies complete domination and victory than the male penis? A search through the annals of human history (not the history of human anals) will reveal the penis to be the single most important icon of dominantion in virtually every culture and time. In the first days, when people still thought the sun and moon were the eyes of a sky-giant, one culture would fight another in order to prove they had the bigger penises. To fight, they would mold metal weapons into the shapes of penises (swords, spears, arrows, maces (which were actually nothing other than huge testicles surrounded by thousands of sharpened iron penises) and catapults (which were large penises that launched large testicles over the stone labia of the enemies castle). And this is to mention nothing of the modern age of bullets, rockets, and missles). Once the culture with the superior penis-weapons prevailed, they would erect large statues shaped like penises (cleverly-named "obelisks") to represent the superiority of their genitals. In later years, these statues were replaced by penis-shaped buildings and skyscrapers that people would climb within. And in the future, we will all fly within penis-shaped shuttles that will take us to the giantest testicle of them all - The Moon.

In conclusion, returning to the initial scenario, the reason your penis is in your hand is because you are celebrating a victory over your adversary in a grand drinking battle. And what better way to celebrate your dominant position than to lay your smooth penis across your passed-out friend's forehead?

Now, I must warn you: Attempting to photograph your penis upon your friend's forehead is tricky and, thus, you must proceed with EXTREME caution. Some pointers:

• It is not possible without the use of camera strap, which will permit you to handle the camera with only one hand, while handling your penis with the other (depending, of course, upon the weight and girth of said penis). I cannot repeat enough the importance of the camera strap. It provides the balance you need to complete your mission, and is CRITICAL considering the highly inebriated state you will find yourself in if you have survived a drinking battle with a worthy adversary. And the last thing you want to do is break the camera before snapping photos of your penis on his forehead.

• Another point that cannot be stressed enough: Be absolutely CERTAIN your friend is COMPLETELY passed-out. The last thing you need is to have your friend awake while your penis gently approaches his forehead. Damage can result to the both of you. A simple test: Place a warm bottle of beer on his forehead while he lays. If he does not stir, you should be safe. If he moves, even just a little bit, abort mission. I repeat, ABORT MISSION.

• If you are holding the camera in your right hand, while guiding your penis with the left, you'll have a split-second to position everything in order to snap the photo. Hamstring and quadricep muscles are critical to holding the position long enough to snap a photo without motion blur. You may not be able to directly contact the forehead directly, but that is of little consequence. Again, the focus here is on speed.

If all elements go well, you will result with a picture such as this one, though i've spared you from the actual visual with the use of a prop. In hindsight, i would have come in at a 123 degree angle, rather than the 41 degree angle you see here. That would have allowed me to lean against the table behind me, stabilizing me enough to gain time. But given the circumstances of 193 Coronas and 17 tequila shots of the battle, I am pleased with the ultimate result.

I have immortalized myself, conquered Mexico, and laid claim to the lands of that third-story room. I shall never return to Mexico again. My work is complete.