misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

You bitches are lucky today. A slower-than-usual day at work (literally, not one task to accomplish) is responsible for your pleasure of a second blog. Don't get use to these two-a-days, as I don't want you getting spoiled. A few observations, as I've spent the previous six hours at my desk observing things:

1. Because I started my current job as a freelancer before going full-time, I still sit with all the freelancers (whom I never told I went full-time, as that is an absolute betrayal of trust. Kind of like crossing the picket lines during a strike). Viewed as corporate mercenaries, the freelancers are crammed in this dark backroom at desks that are literally stacked right next to each other. (Imagine a scene out of those bad 80s corporate movies like "Secret of my Success" where all the non-MBA workers toil away in a yellow, decayed office, but without Michael J Fox telling cute little jokes.)

In any event, the guy that sits at the desk directly in front of mine is a total douchebag. He's one of those guys that hasn't accepted that he is a total geek, so goes to great lengths to prove to those of us here that he isn't (i.e. frosted hair, sport coats with puma sneakers, misuse of the word "dawg"). I've got nothing against geeks, I have been one for 31 years. But I don't fight it. This douchebag will take calls during the work day on his cellphone, and have private conversations loudly enough that we can all hear. Such as the one I just recently heard, where he made it very, very clear he was talking to a GIRL on the other line. Here's what I was subjected to for 30 minutes:

DOUCHEBAG: "Hey, babe. How ARE you?? (pause) Yeah. Yeah. I know. (pause) Are you flirting with me? Is that too direct of a question? I can recognize flirting and I know flirting, and you are definately flirting with me. (pause) Hahahaha. I know! (pause) So we hooking up tonight, or what? (pause) That's what I thought! (pause) A little wine, a litte music, a little couch, you know! (pause) Ok, babe. Talk to you when I get outta this HELL HOLE. Hhhahahah!"

Usually after such an experience, me and the other freelancer just sit there, shaking our heads, disgusted with what we just witnessed. When lucky enough, the douchebag will hang up the phone and make the type of comment that only a douchebag could think up, such as, "Gotta keep the ladies, happy, fellas, and wine always helps." Then I have to mutter some sort of acknowledgement of his comment, like "Yeah, I hear ya."

The douchebag frequently uses the words "bro", "dogg", and "ladies". And he'll give advice out of the blue, such as today, when he told me the following, "Bro, we need umbrellas to deal with all the shit that falls onto us here. Hahahhahaha! Shit Umbrellas! Hahhahaha!"

Awesome.

2. While I'm on the topic of work annoyances: I hate these fuckers that stand at the water cooler for 20 minutes to fill up those little naglene water bottles things everyone has these days:

These fucking things take like forty minutes to load up, while I sit there with a cup that takes four seconds to fill up. And what's up with the markings on the side? Since when does anyone care exactly how much water they are drinking? Then I hate the way people slobber all over these germ jars during the day, "getting my four liters of water!" They remind me of Santa Cruz, hippies, and douchebags. The only thing worse are the people at the gym with these things. They are too enlightened to use the fucking drinking fountain like everyone else. I'm going to start a new trend of pissing in the Naglenes late at night when everyone has left work. Then, i'll sit back and enjoy watching them drink up all day long.