misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

Last night I finally got around to watching the 4-hour season premiere of 24. I haven't watched a full season since season one, which was incredible. Since then, a lack of Tivo and inconsistent living situation prevented me from watching any others seasons. But as I am domesticated now (jill has placed a GPS locator under my skin, and makes me wear a bit and bridle), I have all the time in the world to watch another season. So I last night I sat down, poured myself a very strong glass of Chardonnay, and pressed play.

I was about half-way through, when Jill pointed out that I had yelled at the screen almost 18 times already: "No way they'd blow up a house in LA without first confirming the terrorist was actually in there" ... "How did this 24 year-old black dude get elected president" ... "Impossible that enemy combatant can hide on the bus without anyone finding him" ... Upon Jill pointing this out, I became mortified, as a long-lost memory flooded into my mind. A memory that sent me into a terror: have I become that "practical" movie watcher that I used to despise when younger? The guy who points out all the things "unrealistic" about a show that is totally based upon an unrealistic premise to begin with? Am I such a cynical, negative asshole I can't even watch a fictitious, prime-time TV show without pointing out what's wrong?

The memory is from a cool summer night in high school, a few months before we all left for college. A number of us were at a friend's house watching one of my favorite all-time movies, Red Dawn. For those of you who don't remember, Red Dawn was made during the height of the Cold War, and starred such young talents as Patrick Swayze, Jennifer Grey and Charlie Sheen. The premise was great: Soviet and Cuban forces invade the US, starting WWIII. After their Colorado high school is invaded and classmates shot, some teenage students, calling themselves the "Wolverines", escape into the mountains and begin a guerilla campaign againt the evil invaders. These seven students completely confound the Russian forces and singlehandedly defend America, all to background of very patriotic music. In other words, it is totally and completely improbable. But if you don't get a tear in your eye when you watch it, you don't have a soul.

I want to be clear: Red Dawn is intensely enjoyable and entertaining, but unrealistic - that's what made it so great. It was a fantasy, the same daydream every American high school student had during the Cold War. I often imagined that I could singlehandedly defeat the Russian army with my ninja moves and super smart brain if ever given the chance. When I watched the movie, I suspended disbelief to revel in the joy of seeing a bunch of high school students kick Russian ass.

Ok. Back to the memory. There were about six of us scattered around the TV. And one of them, Matt, who played the role of the way-too-serious tight-ass that exists in every group of friends, insisted on pointing out EVERYTHING that was unrealistic in Red Dawn. Every minute was something different: "No way an Abrams M-1 Tank would lose its tracks from a direct hit by a Russian RPG" ... "Ok, that's simply absurd. Everyone knows a MiG fighter plane cannot climb at that rate of ascent. The Tomcat would have his ass" ... "All the Russians have to do here is use their 3-RR heat-sinking radar navigator to find these kids .. I could find them in five minutes, with the right equipment."

It was non-stop. It ruined the movie. Sure, his comments were "technically" correct. Perhaps those kids would've been found in five minutes. Perhaps that tank wouldn't have exploded like that in real life. But fuck! That's the point! That's why the movie was so good! It showed a fantasy, something that would never happen in the real world, cause the real world simply isn't interesting enough to want to watch. I remember getting so pissed that night, thinking i'd never be that guy.

Well, last night I was. And I have been for awhile. I've forgotten why I watch shows and movies - for simple entertainment. By judging and criticizing every inaccurate aspect of the shows and movies, I've corrupted my ability to appreciate the pleasing fantasy that a group of high school kids could defeat the Russian army.

And I finally know why I'm corrupted. Back in high school, I had a lot of fantasies, some of which I thought might come true. Then, as I grew older, and dream after dream was crushed by the heavy heel of reality, I becamse cynical and pessimistic ans a form of self-protection. As a result, I became instantly angry when seeing something other than the depressing truth of reality on the screen, and need to call it out.

No more. As of now, I once again believe seven high school kids named the Wolverines can defeat an entire army. I believe an RPG can destroy an M-1 Abrams Tank. And I believe that Patrick Swayze can lead a rag-tag team of patriotic Americans into the greatest victory in military history. If you don't believe that, no problem, just keep your mouth shut when you're around me.