misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

Yesterday, I made my annual trip to the dentist. As I never stick with the same dentist from year to year, I always have to go a bit early to fill out a new patient application (well, by "a bit early" i actually mean "less late than usual.") Usually, these applications are fairly standard. Aside from asking for your name, address, and so on, it usually asks about your health habits and medical history. This is usually a no-brainer. You simply have to scroll down the boxes and check off "No". No, i don't have epilepsy. No, i don't have angina (as I don't even know what that is, though that word looks conspicuously like vagina, which I like, so in retrospect, maybe I should've checked that box in the affirmative). No, I'm not currently experiencing double vision (because if I were, I'd be at the fucking doctor, and not the dentist). And so it goes.

The problem with this particular questionnaire I was filling out yesterday was that it asked questions in such a way that a single Yes or No answer wasn't necessarily possible. By making a choice, my answer would either be misleading, or a lie, thus put me in a difficult predictament. An example of one such question :

Do you consume alcohol, cocaine, or hallucinogenic drugs?

Well, I think the difficulty of this question is self-evident. By checking Yes, I was associating myself with coke-heads and LSD-junkies, simply because I like to drink beer. Do they really not distinguish between people who drink Sierra Nevada and those who shove chemical compounds up their ass so they can run around for twelve hours seeing lion-headed teradactyls and talking rain puddles? Do we have the same teeth concerns somehow? I mused such concerns while I continued answering questions. The next question was equally baffling.

"Have you ever had any minor surgical procedures or serious medical problems requiring hospitalization?"

Well, this is a bit vague. Yes, i've had two knee surgeries, which qualify as minor surgical procedures. But how this connects me to people who have ebola or flesh-eating disease is up for debate. And why are those with serious medical problems coming to the dentist anyway? To get their teeth in order just in case people can still see them in heaven? If I had ebola, I think i could overlook a bout of puffy gums.

As the questions continued, I got increasingly confused. By the time I handed in my questionnaire, I was convinced I had major medical issues well beyond my teeth. I had to check No to the question "Do you sleep well?" and Yes to the question "Do you get hungry often?" You can be assured that as soon as my date with the dentist was finished, the first thing on my mind was setting up an appointment with a doctor to get checked out. And I just might take PCP before I do, seeing as how it apparantly is no worse than taking SN (sierra nevada).