misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

On the way to the bathroom a few minutes ago, I encountered a large group of people gathered around something, ooohing and aaaahing like a bunch of pansies at Cirque de Soliel. I had my suspicions of what they were so seemingly entranced at, but wanted to confirm, so crept up for a closer look. And there it was. The baby. The fucking baby at the office. Just like every job i've ever had, co-workers have babies at a rate of seven a day, and yet every single one brings in their babies for show and tell, like this is kindergarten.

Here, how cute! Ashley brought a baby! And here, look! Mark brought his trumpet. And Jenny brought a box of macaroni. Great job, everyone! Time for your napy nap!

First off, I question why you are bringing the baby into work. I've got shit to do, and bad ads to make. I've got no time to see a baby. Work isn't the place for a baby. Let me suggest some places for babies: Wombs, Incubators, Homes, Strollers, Cribs, Grandma's house. Work? No. Work is for: Timesheets, Cubes, Emails, Conference Rooms, Fridges. Are you able to locate the disconnect?

Secondly, don't stroll your baby around as if it is something unique. As I write this, the co-worker is strolling around with her baby like people here have never seen one. Let me be clear on this point, as a thirty-one year old, i've seen a good share of babies. In fact, if I had to make a rough estimate of the number of babies i've seen in my life, I'd guess about 4,000 babies. That is about the same amount of stapler removers i've seen in my life too. Yet, people do not gather around stapler removers with awe. If this co-worker had brought in something I haven't seen, such as, say, the Kremlin, then I would be interested. I might even break from my daily routine to take a peek. But a baby? Please.

Thirdly, it quickly becomes clear that the baby doesn't want to be at work anymore than than I want him/it there. The baby has a lifetime of work ahead of it, why does it want to be in an office at age 3 weeks? Can't this kid get a break? In forty years, at some bar, this now-grown baby is going to be on his fifth Makers Mark and Coke, babbling to the bartender, "Man, i've feel like i've been working all my life." And, in fact, the baby has. All the baby wants is to sleep and suck some milk out of his mom. It doesn't want to hang out with the receptionist and account executives at my office, I can assure you. So why, then, is it here? For the damn mom. This isn't about the baby. It is about the mom. The mom can sit there and carry around the baby like it is her new Kate Spade purse. It is something to get her attention. Like she painted something and brings it in to everyone and announces "Look what a good painter I am". Well, what if the baby is ugly? Then, do i have the right to say, "I like the basic form you made .. but i think you could have done a better job on the forehead .. and the shoulders are a little messy ... I give you a C+ for your work." From here on out, when someone brings the baby into work, I will simoply walk up, look at it briefly, then address the mother, "Congrats, you can give birth. Now get on that assignment I gave you. We've got work to do."