misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

Continuing my lifelong trend of late bloomage, only last weekend did I finally take my first-ever stab at the use of a beer bong. I'm fully aware that most grown men have their first encounter with a beer bong around age 17, so as I am age 30, that puts me about 14 years behind the median. Those of you who are acquainted with college friends can most likely ascertain the reason for the long delay in my exposure to a beer bong. During the formative years of college when most men are exploring activities such as the century club, quarters, and beer bongs, I was busy playing Taj in "MLB 1996", driving to Jack in the Box with Slaven, and trying to figure out why Neal was always in Davis.

This all goes without saying that I've always been afraid of the beer bong. While I will enter a drinking competition with any of my friends, I am fully cognizant of my weaknesses, and at the head of this weakness list is my ability to "chug" liquids. Over the course of ten hours I can drink with anyone, but in ten seconds, I'm going to lose.

It is a simple matter of biology. Those who have conquered the beer bong have long taught that in order to perform, you must be able to open your throat and let the beer pour down it with absolutely no attempt at swallowing. This is a total and complete impossibility for me. I still have trouble swallowing an aspirin, more or less a can of beer. So the guzzle was always out.

Others who were sympathetic to my inability at the throat open maneuver have preached the technique of the "lump swallow". This is the ability to fill your mouth with all the beer it will fit, and swallow it all in a mass amount, while allowing the beer to continue to flow into the now-empty part of your mouth. With this technique, you supposedly can finish a full beer in about three or four sips, requiring about twelve seconds. This isn't as impressive as the open throat, but still is acceptable.

If ever faced with having to do a beer bong, I was resolved to try this method. I was always worried about the capacity of my stomach, which many of you know i've had trouble with in the past. I also have a very active gag reflex which I knew I'd have to supress in any attempt to guzzle a beer. In general, if ever a man was built without the skills required to take down a beer bong, I was that man. Anytime over the years someone broke out the feared apparatus indicating a beer bong was soon to follow, I was always had an excuse ready. But I knew the day would come when I could no longer hide, and would have to face my wussy nature and step to the plate.

Last weekend that day arrived.

Before I show you the filmed results of my first ever attempt at a beer bong, I would like to set the stage.

It was a Friday night around 9 PM at a luxury suite at the Bellagio Casino and Resort in Las Vegas, Nevada. I was attending dragonhair's long awaited bachelor party, and we were "pre-partying" before heading out to the my favorite location, "nightclubs". We had taken about four shots of tequila in the past thirty minutes, and I had consumed about four beers. The beer bong was produced, and twelve drunk men were arranged in a circle. One by one, names were called. I felt like a spectator at the Salem Witch Trials, knowing the announcement of my name would bring me to certain death. I looked around for a possible escape. I made some excuses. I hid. It didn't matter. I wasn't getting out of this one. After seven of the guys had already gone and performed with true skill, my time had come. I would have to face the demons. As I kneeled down at the alter of manhood, and placed the large plastic tube in my mouth, my mind was consumed with two thoughts: please, please, please don't puke. and please, please, please let me finish the whole beer.

Without further delay, here is my performance: My first beer bong