misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

Last Thursday I received a "save-the-date" email for a friend's birthday celebration. It was sent to about twenty people or so, many of whom didn't know each other, but are connected through this friend. As is the custom when someone sends out a group email about a friend, a couple of people felt compelled to respond with simple jokes. The responses were of the usual character .. simple one-sentence comments made in jest .. "are there gonna be any midgets there?" .. "who's charlie?" .. that sort of thing .. about two of these quick emails had gone around when I received another email, only this one of a whole different character .. someone named Justin felt the need to respond with the following:

easy on the "reply all" gang.

Well, our apologies, Mr. Busy Pants. Sorry your important day was disturbed by two emails of a non-professional character. But if you can take time from your highly-important lifestyle to answer a few questions for me, i'd appreciate it.

Firstly, I must inquire into your use of the word "gang". Today's primary use of the word is to refer to a loosely organized group of hooligans whom use colored clothing to identify themselves and are often engaged in illegal activities. I'm assuming that wasn't the definition you intended. Perhaps you intended the older definition? The definition that refers to a group of people who join together frequently for a common reason. Such as a chain gang. Or gang of gold panners. My guess is you used the word "gang" in a patronizing attempt to demean us, as if you were our father, or somehow more mature than us. By calling us "gang", you turned us into the little rascals, while you were the hard-working, mature father. This bothers me that much more when I consider that you are 25, and nearly all of the group you called "gang" is older than you. Way to take the higher road, captain.

Secondly, do you realize the irony of using a "reply all" in order to complain to us about "reply all"? It is the same problem i have with the death penalty. Kill people to teach that killing people is bad. Doesn't make logical sense. So, somehow, you've decided it is ok for you to use the "reply all" feature, but not us. Why not reply to the two people who were responsible for the reply all? Could it be you are just as lazy as them?

Thirdly, i'm troubled by the beginning of your criticism. The "easy on the" part. Primarily, the term is used in conjunction with food, i.e. "easy on the garlic" or "easy on the salt". Sometimes, a girl can be "easy on the eyes". But "easy on the reply all" simply doesn't work. Perhaps it came naturally to you, as you use it in other ways, such as "easy on the anal penetration" and "easy on the ejaculating".

Fourthly, at what point did you become so critically important to the earth that reading two one-sentence emails cost you invaluable time? Is your email inbox that sanctimonious? Did this joke email take you away from a letter you were penning to Kofi Annan? Is it possible you were arranging a truce between Israel and Palestine, and this email came in and fucked it all up? Chill out, hombre. Your life, and your inbox, isn't so important you can't deal with a couple of unwanted emails.

Finally, chief, don't talk to me like I'm a kid. And better yet, don't come to the event you were invited to.

At this point, nobody wants you there, boss. If you come, youre probably gonna have to "reply to all" a bunch of pissed off people.

Continuing my lifelong trend of late bloomage, only last weekend did I finally take my first-ever stab at the use of a beer bong. I'm fully aware that most grown men have their first encounter with a beer bong around age 17, so as I am age 30, that puts me about 14 years behind the median. Those of you who are acquainted with college friends can most likely ascertain the reason for the long delay in my exposure to a beer bong. During the formative years of college when most men are exploring activities such as the century club, quarters, and beer bongs, I was busy playing Taj in "MLB 1996", driving to Jack in the Box with Slaven, and trying to figure out why Neal was always in Davis.

This all goes without saying that I've always been afraid of the beer bong. While I will enter a drinking competition with any of my friends, I am fully cognizant of my weaknesses, and at the head of this weakness list is my ability to "chug" liquids. Over the course of ten hours I can drink with anyone, but in ten seconds, I'm going to lose.

It is a simple matter of biology. Those who have conquered the beer bong have long taught that in order to perform, you must be able to open your throat and let the beer pour down it with absolutely no attempt at swallowing. This is a total and complete impossibility for me. I still have trouble swallowing an aspirin, more or less a can of beer. So the guzzle was always out.

Others who were sympathetic to my inability at the throat open maneuver have preached the technique of the "lump swallow". This is the ability to fill your mouth with all the beer it will fit, and swallow it all in a mass amount, while allowing the beer to continue to flow into the now-empty part of your mouth. With this technique, you supposedly can finish a full beer in about three or four sips, requiring about twelve seconds. This isn't as impressive as the open throat, but still is acceptable.

If ever faced with having to do a beer bong, I was resolved to try this method. I was always worried about the capacity of my stomach, which many of you know i've had trouble with in the past. I also have a very active gag reflex which I knew I'd have to supress in any attempt to guzzle a beer. In general, if ever a man was built without the skills required to take down a beer bong, I was that man. Anytime over the years someone broke out the feared apparatus indicating a beer bong was soon to follow, I was always had an excuse ready. But I knew the day would come when I could no longer hide, and would have to face my wussy nature and step to the plate.

Last weekend that day arrived.

Before I show you the filmed results of my first ever attempt at a beer bong, I would like to set the stage.

It was a Friday night around 9 PM at a luxury suite at the Bellagio Casino and Resort in Las Vegas, Nevada. I was attending dragonhair's long awaited bachelor party, and we were "pre-partying" before heading out to the my favorite location, "nightclubs". We had taken about four shots of tequila in the past thirty minutes, and I had consumed about four beers. The beer bong was produced, and twelve drunk men were arranged in a circle. One by one, names were called. I felt like a spectator at the Salem Witch Trials, knowing the announcement of my name would bring me to certain death. I looked around for a possible escape. I made some excuses. I hid. It didn't matter. I wasn't getting out of this one. After seven of the guys had already gone and performed with true skill, my time had come. I would have to face the demons. As I kneeled down at the alter of manhood, and placed the large plastic tube in my mouth, my mind was consumed with two thoughts: please, please, please don't puke. and please, please, please let me finish the whole beer.

Without further delay, here is my performance: My first beer bong