misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

I just got back from an amazing dinner at Black Headquarters. For those of you who have never been to the Red Lobster on 41st and 7th Avenue in Times Square, I highly suggest you pay a visit next time you are in the vincinity. It has the highest BPR I've ever been to (BPR, of course, being Blacks Per Restaraunt. Compare the BPR at a Red Lobster, which averages about 94%, to that of another restaurant, such as Olive Garden, which tops out at about 4%, or a Chevy's, which averages a 9%. The MPR [Mexicans Per Restaraunt] at a Chevy's is lower than expected, but balances out at a respectable 32%). In response to a question from Jill, who whispered very quietly to me while at dinner, "Why are there so many black people at the Red Lobster?" I had to answer, "This is their food." It isn't a mystery that black people like fried foods, and apparantly also have a penchant for seafood, making Red Lobster the destination of choice for blacks throughout the Tri-State Area. Actually, now that I put some thought to it, they dominated the Red Lobster in Milpitas as well, which is funny, because Milpitas had three total black people in whole, not including Taj. So where they came from is a mystery. It is the same as if you left a dead sea lion out in the middle of a city street in San Antonio. Eventually a Polar Bear would come looking for it, even if San Antonio isn't known to have Polar Bears anywhere in a 2900 mile radius. The Polar Bear would just seem to know it was there (as a sidenote, I don't want to hear any shit about stereotypes from my ethnic readers, because this isn't a stereoptype, it is a truth. Had I walked around the Red Lobster today with a clipboard and paper, I would have counted about 387 blacks, 5 whites, 2 asians, and 6 mixed/unidentifiables, and this fact isn't up for dispute. And if white people can get knocked for dancing shitty and being bad jumpers, I can knock blacks for loving Red Lobster). Some of you might be asking how i ended up at a chain restaraunt such as Red Lobster in a city which has 9,000 independant restaraunts in a 2-mile radius, but the answer is simple. I like what black people like. Cheap, fried shellfish washed down with a stiff rum punch. And you can't find a better place for this than Red Lobster. And don't even get me started on the cheesy biscuits they have there. Divine. All you arrogant assholes who believe a place like Red Lobster can't have top-notch seafood simply because it is a chain can kiss my ass. Some of the best king-crab legs I've ever had in my life have been at Red Lobster and Outback Steakhouse, and this includes the crab I've eaten at expensive, top-notch restaurants in Singapore, Auckland, Fiji, San Francisco, Las Vegas, and New York. You guys want to believe that Red Lobster can't compete with these five-star restaraunts, but it can. And for a cheaper price. Granted, you won't find as many black people at these five-star restaurants, but I don't consider that a benefit. I enjoy eating where the black people eat. Blacks demand a higher standard of stiff drinks and food quantity, so I know I'm in good hands (case in point, the black couple next to Jill and I. When they ordered their rum punch, the woman insisted "you better make that shit strong" The white waiter said, for $1.50 more, he could guarantee a double shot of rum. The woman agreed, but again insisted, "You better not be lying. I want that shit strong." You have to love their honesty). To conclude, if you want a good mahi-mahi with an orange-peppermint sauce and brown rice pilaf, head over to the Mermaid Inn in West Village. If you want some Parrot Bay Cocunut Rum fried shrimp with garlic butter scampi, and a lobster-crab monterey jack cheese dip with tortilla chips, you head to Red Lobster. It helps if you like hip-hop and Tangeray, but even if not, I recommend a trip.