While I consider myself a fairly enlightened, educated, intensely handsome, flexible man, I simply don't know if I am ready for "Brokeback Mountain". This troubles me, because I love films, and I haven't seen a movie this well-reviewed all year. It is winning everything it can win. But I just don't think i can do it. I don't think the problem is that I'm a homophobe (whatever homophobia I once had was eradicated through working three years at a transvestite club staffed by very smooth-skinned filipino men who called me "honey", not to mention five years living in an apartment building in San Francisco where gay love fights were the norm .. as a sidenote, is there anything better than gay men fights? It is kinda like caddy high school girls fighting over a prom date, but more creative, and more frequent squeeling). I think my primary problem with "Brokeback Mountain" is it's filled with elements that I have never been a big fan of at the movies: romance, cowboys, sheep, and gay anal penetration. Now, I like gay guys as much as the next man, I just don't want to see them cuddling, holding hands, french kissing, laying together in a sleeping bag, giving each other blow jobs, or inserting their penis into holes of any sort. Cooking? Sure, no problem. Writing letters? Bring it. Putting their index finger into their friend's asshole? Not so much. I don't think i want to see them falling in love either, no matter what their love says about stigmas, desire, and the sadness of duty in a puritanical America. Those themes are admirable. But a strapping Heath Ledger gently rubbing Jake Gyllenhal's forearm while gazing into his saucepan eyes and subtly licking his lips as if one lick could wipe away years of hidden sexual desire? I'm just not there yet. Hence, "Brokeback Mountain" just doesn't make the cut. In the same way you won't see me at a movie about a professional venetian blind installer, you won't see me at Brokeback Mountain. Unless Taj comes, of course. And he touches me with his caramel-scented fingers while looking at me with his saucepan eyes. Then. But only then.