On this fine Monday morning, I'd like to add some items to my infinite list of pet peeves:
* While we're on the subject, what's up with the phrase "pet peeve"? What kind of phrase is that? Pet, I can deal with. But peeve? If I heard someone use the word "peeve" in the course of conversation, i'd ridicule them. Please don't let me ever hear you say something like this: "I got really peeved this morning when I found out muggles had chewed up my dildo." (I figure this is a particularly excellent example of a pet peeve because an instance in which a pet really pissed you off). Do "pet peeves" have to involve pets? Can I only tell you something about the annoying thing my goldfish does? And as far as the use of "peeve" as a noun, can you even separate it from "pet"? Could you just say you had a "peeve"? "You know a really big peeve of mine? When I can't find a potato small enough to make minature french fries out of." Upon further reflection, I guess you could say "peeve" without "pet", but then you'd probably gay. Which I have no problem with at all, but just wanted to point it out. You'd be gay.
* So, I'm standing in front of the elevator in my building today, waiting for it to show up. I am just standing there, waiting. I want to stress this point. I am there, waiting for the elevator. In any event, as I'm standing there, some chick comes up and hits the elevator button several times, apparantly to confirm that I had already done that. Now, excuse me, lady, but what the fuck do you think I was waiting there for? Do you really think I was standing in front of an elevator and had never actually pressed the elevator button? Do you think I, as a thirty-year old man, never learned that in order for an elevator to appear, you have to press a button? Or did you perhaps think I was just standing there, waiting for something other than the elevator? Maybe I was waiting for a three-legged magical unicorn. And it just so happened that this magical unicorn, named Mabel, told me in a mystical vision to wait for her at the elevator i was now standing in front of. As a another (though less annoying) aspect of her behavior, why did you press the elevator button twice? Is that some sort of secret code that makes the elevator appear twice as fast as it would have before? Is the elevator programmed to respond extra-fast to the double push? Like the elevator is thinking to itself, "well, the button was pushed twice in rapid succession, I should probably come down really fast now, cause before I was just fucking around and wasting a lot of time."
* You know that wax paper thing you put on public toilet seats to protect you from disease? Protectos or something like that? Do you really think that protects you from disease? Our paranoid fear of germs have lead to this. I mean, i'm all for avoiding hepatitis and herpes and all that, but what is the wax paper going to do? As if herpes, a very resilient organism, would be thwarted by a sliver of wax paper. If herpes wanted to crawl up on your ass cheek from a public toilet seat, it would find a way to get there, with or without your protecto. If protectos had some sort of disinfectant sprayed on it, or was an inch thicker, I might buy into its protective powers. But as it is, you might as well have your bare ass cheeks on the toilet seat.
* Anyhoo. Don't use that phrase. It isn't cool.
* You know one of my really big pet peeves? My goldfish! He can be super-duper annoying sometimes. Talk about a pet peeve.