misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

To continue a discussion I had with the less-informed earlier in the day, I'd like to reiterate my position that any single man who owns a pet cat is either gay or so metrosexual he very likely has tits. To amend a previous position I have held in this blog, in the recent years I have learned that not all cats are spawned from Satan's bowels. In the course of my travels, I have encountered the occasional tabby cat or long-haired breed that wasn't a total raging bitch, as most cats are. As I once explained in a previous blog, cats emobdy all the bad qualities of humanity .. selfishness, emotionalism, arrogance, pride ... not too unlike Omarosa from The Apprentice (Season One). I particularly enjoy when people try to justify the hideous qualities that all cats possess. Cats don't respond when you call them because they fiercely independent, they say. Cats scratch up all your furniture because cats are playful, they say. Cats don't let you pet them because they are moody, they say. Well, fuck that, I say. Those are the qualities of a lame pet. I can accept cats for what they are, no problem. Just don't bring them into a house and keep them as a pet. Some animals make good pets, some don't. Dogs? Friendly, loving, soft fur. come when you call them. Good pets. Crocodiles? Temperamental, fondness for flesh, sandpaper skin, like muddy water. Bad pets. You ever try to play catch with a crocodile? Not easy. That is why people don't keep them as pets.

Cats were never meant to be domesticated and turned into house pets. Milleniums ago, the ancient Egyptians forced cats into servitude, along with Jews, Arabs, and any other thing that wasn't Egyptian. And cats have been pissed about it ever since. So they wander around a house, spitting venom and hatred at anything they see. They are pissed they are in your house, they are pissed they are pets, they are pissed they aren't big enough to eat your face off. Make no mistake, cats don't like you. Even if you've had the same one for fifteen years, they don't like you. They just stick around cause you feed it and they have no other options at the moment. Jill has a cat that has lived in her house for about twelve years, but still doesn't let anyone pet it, approach it, talk to it, or look at it. It hides in the house, they put out food, and when everyone goes to bed, the thing comes and eats. What a great pet. I'd rather have a pet ant.

In any event, all these things considered, what self-respecting dude would have a cat as a pet? I can understand a married dude, or if the cat is his girlfriend's, or he lives with a gay guy, but a single dude living on his own? No way. There is simply no logical argument. Cats are the anti-thesis of everything men represent. Having one in the house is essentially living with the enemy. Cats are pussies, literally. So if you own a cat, you are a pussy. Do you watch football with your pet cat? Drink a beer with your cat? Put the cat in your jeep and drive to the mountains? I think not. All you do with your pet cat is eat frozen yogurt, curl up with a good book and read, or paint your nails. Cats are for bitches, pure and simple. If you ever meet a dude who owns one, I suggest you fix him a Cosmo, put on the latest Cher album, and open your anus, cause he already has his pussy ... the only thing he is interested in now is your ass.