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October 2005 Archives

October 6, 2005

Look at this puddle

This site is going to shit as usual. Between five official bloggers, we are able to muster about three new blogs a month. Even worse, Taj is using words like "didactic" and "proliferation" (apparantly, UPenn has made him a fancy boy). The only readers we have are the unemployed (which makes two readers). And if it wasn't for the comforting warmth that cold, crisp Sierra Nevadas bring to Kenta, he wouldn't read at all. The only people who comment are Taj's random-ass friends like Isabella, aka "Boss Lady" (as an aside, Taj knows the most random fuckers in the history of random fuckers. You know when you leave a job and send everyone your contact info just to be nice, full-well knowing that you will never talk to any of those people again? Well, Taj actually talks to those people again. And former doctors, grocery baggers, subway riders, zoo animals. In college, Taj actually made people cards, which are like business cards, only without the business part. All they had was his name, his email, and his phone number, so he could pass them out to random people he met while cruising the sweet streets of Santa Clara. I think that is how he ultimately got connected to that great Excel Telecommunications gig. To this day, I cannot believe that Taj actually walked around the AMC Mercado putting Telecommunications flyers on people's windshields. You know when you get back to your car after eating dinner and you start driving and then realize there is some annoying shit clinging to your windshield wiper? Yeah? Well, that was Taj).

Part of the issue for me life has become as exciting as a tawainese cricket match. Unlike some of my friends, I haven't spent the past few months getting rich off of internet companies, laying out on the beach in Marbella, getting new jobs at the world's best ad agency, or playing Empire Earth. I sit all day and write hideously bad advertisements. As another aside, I have become disgusted by the misuse and abuse of the English language. Fucking politicians and advertisers have hijacked language to make it devoid of any meaning whatsoever. They (and i consider myself one of them) have perfected the art of stringing words together in such a way that they mean absolutley nothing. I write statments about cars, newspapers, french fries (the product is irrelevant) that you've read so many times they literally don't even register in your mind any longer. "The new (insert any product here) is unlike any experience you've ever had. The (enter feature here) will provide thrills to your heart and keep you wishing for more. The (enter second feature here) is the first ever, and will revolutionalize the way you look at (insert any product here). The (enter random product benefit) will certainly (enter verb, such as excite, entice, improve, reenergize) your senses so much you'll wonder what you ever did without (insert any product here)." I think the problem is twofold. First, capitalism has created too many products and not enough buyers. How many toothbrushes, sodas, cars, trail mixes, phone cleaners, does a society need? Which leads to the second point. Companies actually belive that their generic products are somehow different than those of their competitors. They truly believe you when you show them copy that says "Our product is the best in the world and will change your life" Even if it is a roast beef sandwich. They are unable to recognize that their product is like every other, won't change anything, and is nothing but a product. So they make up bullshit and tell you it will change everything and is different than the others. Let me help you out. It isn't. Just come out and say we have a product, we think it is cool, we want you to know about it, thanks and good night. Don't bullshit people. People don't trust bullshitters.

Politicians are worse. At least all I am lying about is cars and sandwiches. They are actually dealing with important shit. They are lying about wars, economies, and people. With this handy equation, you too can speak like a politician: "The (enter hot topic here) is absolutely going as (well/poor) as can be expected given all known circumstances. (Enter political name here) is completely (qualified/unqualified) for the challenge ahead and all of us should be (proud/disgusted) of the work (he/she) is doing. I am looking for a better America, and only I, (enter political name here), can bring that to you."

Right. Anyway, to continue this randomness, I have a few things I want you to know. Firstly, were you aware that "solipsistic" was "a theory holding that the self can know nothing but its own modifications and that the self is the only existent thing"? Secondly, I want to make a commentary on Sisyphus (you remember, that mythological dude who stole secrets from the gods and was punished by having to endlessly roll a boulder uphill only to have it come crashing back down once he reached the top. He was sentenced to this for eternity. The gods reasoned that there is not worse punishment in the world than hopeless and futile labor). Well, I think we all can relate to this. Since all of our jobs, to some extent, is hopeless and futile labor. I also always liked this myth cause it is kinda like life. Often times putting a lot of effort into things and getting nowhere. Life, when examined, is kind of absurd. Most people wrongly deduce that the myth of Sysphus is depressing. The beauty is that it is the exact opposite. It sums up my world view perfectly, and explains why many people have wrongly pegged me as a pessimist. I am the opposite. Let me borrow the words of NY Times reporter, much more eloquent than I, to explain:


" ... in Camus's reading, Sisyphus, the existential hero, remains upbeat despite the futility of his task. The gods intend for Sisyphus to suffer. His rebellion, his fidelity to self, rests on the refusal to be worn down. Sisyphus exemplifies resilience, in the face of full knowledge of his predicament. Camus says that joy opens our eyes to the absurd -- and to our freedom. It is not only in the downhill steps that Sisyphus triumphs over his punishment: ''The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.''

Isn't that perfect? Life is always trying to bring you down, and the best thing you can do is give life the middle finger. Give me what you got, you arrogant fucker. I'll take it and keep going, even knowing there is no end goal. Therein likes the freedom. Happiness is knowing that life can't conquer you. People talk about the meaning of life. Fuck meaning. Existence is enough.

The final thing I'll leave you with is a word dump. A word dump is something I do to remember that the English language can still be cool, despite the best efforts of advertising and politicians to change that. All you gotta do for a word dump is sit down and type all the words that come into your head (but they should form some sort of sentence structure, even if it ultimately doesn't make sense). Here is mine for today:

Dripped keyboards, roam the pleaded farms, clouds made of yarn, courderoy voices of confusion flutter in a jar, a simple glance informing all the world has had enough. Desperation aside, the worn-out thumb flicks a rubber bell down the playground slide of existence. Eyes bright and wide, make haste, that "thing" you've always talked about is right now.

October 19, 2005

Pussy Cats

To continue a discussion I had with the less-informed earlier in the day, I'd like to reiterate my position that any single man who owns a pet cat is either gay or so metrosexual he very likely has tits. To amend a previous position I have held in this blog, in the recent years I have learned that not all cats are spawned from Satan's bowels. In the course of my travels, I have encountered the occasional tabby cat or long-haired breed that wasn't a total raging bitch, as most cats are. As I once explained in a previous blog, cats emobdy all the bad qualities of humanity .. selfishness, emotionalism, arrogance, pride ... not too unlike Omarosa from The Apprentice (Season One). I particularly enjoy when people try to justify the hideous qualities that all cats possess. Cats don't respond when you call them because they fiercely independent, they say. Cats scratch up all your furniture because cats are playful, they say. Cats don't let you pet them because they are moody, they say. Well, fuck that, I say. Those are the qualities of a lame pet. I can accept cats for what they are, no problem. Just don't bring them into a house and keep them as a pet. Some animals make good pets, some don't. Dogs? Friendly, loving, soft fur. come when you call them. Good pets. Crocodiles? Temperamental, fondness for flesh, sandpaper skin, like muddy water. Bad pets. You ever try to play catch with a crocodile? Not easy. That is why people don't keep them as pets.

Cats were never meant to be domesticated and turned into house pets. Milleniums ago, the ancient Egyptians forced cats into servitude, along with Jews, Arabs, and any other thing that wasn't Egyptian. And cats have been pissed about it ever since. So they wander around a house, spitting venom and hatred at anything they see. They are pissed they are in your house, they are pissed they are pets, they are pissed they aren't big enough to eat your face off. Make no mistake, cats don't like you. Even if you've had the same one for fifteen years, they don't like you. They just stick around cause you feed it and they have no other options at the moment. Jill has a cat that has lived in her house for about twelve years, but still doesn't let anyone pet it, approach it, talk to it, or look at it. It hides in the house, they put out food, and when everyone goes to bed, the thing comes and eats. What a great pet. I'd rather have a pet ant.

In any event, all these things considered, what self-respecting dude would have a cat as a pet? I can understand a married dude, or if the cat is his girlfriend's, or he lives with a gay guy, but a single dude living on his own? No way. There is simply no logical argument. Cats are the anti-thesis of everything men represent. Having one in the house is essentially living with the enemy. Cats are pussies, literally. So if you own a cat, you are a pussy. Do you watch football with your pet cat? Drink a beer with your cat? Put the cat in your jeep and drive to the mountains? I think not. All you do with your pet cat is eat frozen yogurt, curl up with a good book and read, or paint your nails. Cats are for bitches, pure and simple. If you ever meet a dude who owns one, I suggest you fix him a Cosmo, put on the latest Cher album, and open your anus, cause he already has his pussy ... the only thing he is interested in now is your ass.

October 28, 2005

She had it coming

This is too great not to share with the world.

A quick background .. this was sent to someone at work who knew one person that was BCC'd on the response. I guess this just happened recently. To the best of my knowledge, this really did happen. Read the Elizabeths' email to figure out the situation. Brad's response is fucking perfect:


-----Original Message-----
From: [mailto:********]
Sent: Monday, October 24, 2005 9:50 AM
To: ******
Subject: ugh

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing.

I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct.

I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it. I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time.

Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.

Elizabeth

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Monday, October 24, 2005 12:02 PM
Subject: Re: Ugh....enjoy.

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't Fuck him" somehow gave you a clean slate.

So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room.

The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,
Brad

About October 2005

This page contains all entries posted to misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0 in October 2005. They are listed from oldest to newest.

September 2005 is the previous archive.

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