misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

The integrity of my blog has been compromised. Probably due to my own verbal indescretions at my day job, several co-workers have learned of my blog (they're both super-hot too). Sadly, this reduces the material I now have to work with. Any bitching, crushes, gossip, experiences, etc. involving work are no longer fair game, lest they spread word of my thoughts. It is a bit like standing naked in the cafeteria, as co-workers stand and gawk at my awkward, pale expressions of flacid honesty, thick, corporate coffee mugs steaming with hot beverages spewed out by the Coffee-n-Tea Machine 2000. I've become a victim of my own success, as my incredibly engaging and inventive blogs about people have attracted readers that are the very people I was writing about, meaning I can no longer write about them. (On a side-note, have you ever looked at a single word when tired and became convinced the word was totally non-sensical .. that just happened to me ... the word victim. victim. victim. a spew of letters organized in a way that makes no sense. it might as well be mevtuy. mevtuy. mevtuy. letters together that mean nothing. i think the part of the brain that is responsible for taking letters and interpreting as words that have meanings is particularly affected by a lack of sleep). Regardless, the issue has simply become that honesty makes for the most interesting blogs, yet honesty means hurting people's feelings, so I'll have to abandon that route and just go forward with blogs about neutral objects, like pineapples and manatees. (On a second side-note, one co-worker commented that my blog was rambling, incoherent mess. I took that as a complement. Make no mistake--I don't keep a blog to write edited, well-formed essays. I write it to get out of my head.)

On Friday night I went to a Broadway performance of "Family Guy" (for the unacquainted, "Family Guy" is the new Simpsons). I came away from it with more understanding of Islamic Militants than I had before I went. To be succinct, Friday's show made me realize that everyone is a fanatic, they are simply fanatics of different things. Some people are fanatics about Islam, some people are fanatics about "Family Guy", others are fanatics about redwood trees. Some fanaticisms are more dangerous than others. As example, being a fanatic of twinkies might make u fat, while being a fanatic of hand grenading cats might be harmful to the feline population. But everyone has a God of some sort. Something they worship. Suffice to say, the people who worship "Family Guy", and there were a whole lot of them out on Friday, are not the kind of people I wanna kick it with. With the right mixture of circumstances, it isn't all that inconceivable that the "Family Guy" worshippers would resort to bombings and terrorism to support their cause. These experiences keep me from feeling strongly about much of anything, as intensity of belief seems to go hand in hand with blindness and ignorance. Which is why I'm going out now for a beer. It seems to be the only thing worth feeling strongly about these days.

The time has come for me to pen my first screenplay. Seems everyone has one, and I want to be like everyone. Make no mistake, my screenplay is being written to sell. I have no trouble writing what the American public wants. It is easy enough to fit the formula. I don't confuse myself with a serious artist with something important to say about the world. I simply want to entertain, and make money doing it. My first thought was a romantic comedy type format, in the mode of "Old School". (a quick treatment: a divorced man in his mid-thirties realizes his greatest regret was never going to his high school prom, so he decides to recreate the prom .. he and a committee of former students make a theme, buy decorations, etc .. the night of the prom he rediscovers an old flame ... comedy ensues) ... That is a winning equation. Fat middle-aged couples up and down the midwest will flock to see it. Totally unoriginal, but sellable.

However, after recently watching "The Grudge" (a horror thriller staring the always-good Sarah Michelle Geller), I realized my money will be made in the horror genre. Nobody knows how to do it right. "The Grudge" was about as scary as watching chinchillas drink water. If that shit can get made, I'll have no trouble selling my work. The world deserves better horror than they are currently getting. Why horror? Firstly, it is the cheapest genre to film on your own. The most scary things are the unseen, so u don't have to see it, which saves u cash. Blair Witch was filmed for less than 50K ... I can find that under the cushions of Slaven's couch .. Secondly, fear is the most powerful emotion that exists, so I must explore it. More powerful than love, hope, anger, regret. The unknown. Everyone is bombarded with rules, science and fact all day long, so they become fascinated by the unexplainable .. the things science has no answers for. The hope for something more than regular life.

It mystifies me why more filmmakers are unable to grasp what truly scares someone. "The Grudge" featured such cliches as black cats and haunted houses. For the record, there is nothing remotely scary, eerie, or mysterious about a black cat. Maybe in the 1600s or something. But now, with the introduction of a thing called science, black cats have lost any sense of mystery. Same with houses. I don't believe houses can be possesed. People, sure. But wood?

So without further ado, with your help, we shall begin the exploration of what things are scary and what makes a good scary flick.

1. Satan/Possesion/Religion/Cults -- These things are scary because almost all people have a basic sense of heaven and hell, and most people even believe these places exist. Unlike, say, goblins. Nobody really believes goblins exist, so they aren't fearful of them. However, a majority of people believe in something outside of our own human world, and this "something" is usually a God/Devil type thing. Also, religion is a very real human experience that most people have daily interaction with, so it makes for fruitful material. However, and this is very important, if you use satan or demons as material, you must establish rules for satan and his demons. Rules are critical. In the movie, satan cannot simply be some sort of all-powerful being that can do whatever it wants. It must follow certain laws, as this is the only way it is brought into a situation in which it can be defeated and create the tension needed for suspense. As example, in the movie, there might need to be a rule that satan is unable to enter a church of any kind. Or perhaps satan is unable to cause physical harm directly to the person, he is only able to affect the environment around the person. Perhaps this satan on earth can be banished by having him drink holy water. These are rules which must be established at the beginning of the movie, to create the boundries with which the characters must all operate. The viewer must know these boundries clearly, so as to avoid confusion of why satan doesn't simply blow up the earth and kill everything.

2. Real events -- Again, this is what Blair Witch did well. Everyone thought it was real. And real things are scarier than made-up things. Charles Manson is scary because he really is alive and he really did butcher people. Same for when people you know and trust tell you ghost stories. When your aunt sees a ghost hovering over her bed and tell you about it, it is inherently more scary than some random dude telling you some urban legend. It is the reason i've never found monster movies scary. I don't believe in monsters, so you can show me some half-insect, half-dinasour man monster that eats people's brains, but it doesn't resonate with any experiences i've had in the past, so I won't be particularly scared. Same for werewolfs, vampires, trolls, living dolls. Ghosts are somewhat plausible. But a giant insect that only eats human tongues? However, the minute you tell me something was based on a true human story (exorcist, amityville horror, mothman prophecy) I am going to freak out.

3. Little children -- Little children are spooky. Especially if they have music boxes in their room. Kids are spooky because you feel like they can see things you can't. They are more "open" to supernatural experiences because they know nothing of science or doubt. So if a ghost is trying to make contact with someone, it would be a little kid. Also, little kids can't make things up about ghosts, since they have no experience to base it on. Meaning, there is no motivation for a two-year old girl to talk about seeing a pale, old white woman who looks exactly like her grandmother, who has been dead for over ten years. Instantly scary. The little blonde girl from "Poltergeist" singlehandedly made the movie. Other variations of scary children include the child who turns around to reveal it is in fact an old, decomposed small woman, and the possessed child who draws scary pictures and writes latin and threats on the wall.

4. Music boxes -- Don't know why these are spooky, but they are. If you hear a music box playing in your room, and you don't have a music box, I'd advise you leave your room.

5. Dead people -- This might seem obvious, but seeing dead people long after they die, walking around the street and kicking it at bars, raises serious questions about the rules of life and death. Thus, it makes the list.

6. The Unseen -- As i mentioned before, nothing strikes primal fear as much as your own imagination. Everyone has something they truly fear (as example, Sy fears a world with no brownies), and everyone has a different mental picture of what an evil creature looks like. It is important to use this imagination against the viewer, and you can only do that by never showing the creature in the movie. Let them only imagine it, and the person's body will take care of the rest.

7. Deserted orphanages, prisons, or insane asylums -- Orphanages more so than insane asylums and prisons, as insane asylums have been over-used in movies. Something about these places implies pain and suffering, so it is plausible that this "residue" pain creates the perfect haven for ghosts. Something about insanity is scary, as well. Everyone fears going insane. There is also the idea that we are all crazy, and only insane people are normal. So maybe they are seeing things we don't, and that is what makes them freak out. Definately a theory worth exploring.

8. Ouji boards -- These are scary because they exist, and people have real stories about them. Tonight, you could buy a ouji board, turn off the lights, and run a seance by candlelight. So a movie that shows the consequences of that is scary. Same with chants in the bathroom mirror with the lights out. Urban legends in general are usually based in some primitive fear humans have, and thus are usually good material.

9. Windows -- Anytime you feel you are being watched by something you cannot see, it is eerie. This is particularly true at houses with lots of windows facing a dark forest. It also helps when your phone rings and someone begins to tell you things about yourself, revealing that they can in fact see you. This voice should sound non-human.

That is a good list thus far .. Feel free to add your additions. With luck, my screenplay will incorporate every single one of these, making the perfect scary movie.

I've decided to briefly lift my moratorium on writing about co-workers so I can convey perhaps the most ridiculous display of stupidity i've witnessed in the past few years (outside of the time dragonhair walked directly into my guided missle in Bond for my 15th and final kill). I hope this particular co-worker doesn't read the blog, but if she does, then I consider it due retribution for her actions.

This co-worker was recently hired as a co-ordinator of the creative department (essentially, a secretary). She is 22 years old and right out of college. I'm quite sure this is her first job ever, as she carries about an air of naivete and childlike behavior that I am unaccustomed to outside of elementary schools and Nickelodeon fan club conventions. Of particular note to the story are two facts: Firstly, her cube is peppered with cut-outs of Paris Hilton. These cutouts are pinned to her cubicle walls on full display. This isn't because she is making fun of Paris Hilton. It is because Paris Hilton is a genuine role model for her.

Of secondary importance is the fact that spread between these Paris Hilton tear-outs are posted emails from her boyfriend of three months. She actually prints out the emails her boyfriend sends her, highlights key parts of the email, and posts it for all to see. These emails are what you'd expect from an 11-year old boy who got his first crush. I shall provide a sample composite of how one of these emails might read:

My sweet Ali. I adore you. This weekend, I shall take you shopping. I will take you for a pedicure. I love you so much, you can never know. You are my home. A home isn't a place with four walls. It is where your heart is. And your heart is with mine. And one day we will live together and have a home and you will be my home, and together we will live. And I love you.

I could continue, but you get the general idea. Now these emails were of interest to Ben and I before only as a source of entertainment. Who writes like that? And who highlights the highlights of the email, and posts it for her co-workers to read? Well, this past Cinco de Mayo I was lucky enough to find out.

A number of us from work were out at a small, local bar celebrating the fifth of May on behalf of the Mexicans. This girl, and her boyfriend, were among the celebrants. My first read of the boyfriend was that he is a nice guy. He just seems to display his love for people a tad more strongly than I tend to. Regardless, after the introduction, I returned to my cool, refreshing Sierra Nevada (not a Mexican beer, per se, but Sierra is a Spanish word, and Mexicans speak Spanish, so i figured i was honoring their culture in my own way). Roughly ten minutes later, another female co-worker of mine informed me that our naive little 22 year-old Paris fan was in the girl's bathroom making out with a random dude from work. Two things made this information a tad shocking. Firstly, her boyfriend was probably twelve feet away from the bathroom in which she was making out with some dude she'd never really met before. Secondly, she had told about three people to stand watch over the bathroom while she was in there with this other dude. In other words, she wasn't exactly hiding the fact that she was cheating on him. Regardless, I look over at the boyfriend, and he is merrily sipping away on a lemon margarita on the rocks, oblivous to the fact his girlfriend is getting tongued by some curly-haired frat boy four meters away. This whole thing strikes me as odd, but I return to my drink, and continue the conversation I was in before I was notified of this whole thing.

The girlfriend emerges from the bathroom, goes to her boyfriend, puts her arm around him, and picks up her drink as if nothing has happened. Ten minutes later, she goes to the bathroom again, toting this new friend of hers in there with her. I am not particularly sure of how to read this move. Either she is incredibly dumb, or she wants to get caught. Regardless, after another session in the girl's bathroom, she comes out again, and takes a seat at the table I was at. Her boyfriend is standing behind me, maybe three feet away from her, talking to someone else. She proceeds to brag at full volume to the table how she has been in the bathroom twice in this cheating on her boyfriend, and isn't she so bad, and so on. At this point, I must admit, I am a bit confused as to what is happening. Nobody at the table really makes any insightful comments, and we listen to her drunkenly drone on about her actions. About ten minutes later, she returns again to the girl's bathroom with this guy. Finally, her boyfriend catches on. He sees her go into the bathroom with the guy, and busts in. Catching them in the act, he apparantly takes a swing at the guy before others jump in to pull the guy away. His girlfriend is busy rattling off excuses as to why this guy was in there with him. She is truly trying to pull off some sort of story about why he was in there. It was good stuff. I'm not sure what she thought of her man's intelligence, but she thought she might be able to get him to believe that this guy was in there coincidentally, and they were in the same stall together as the result of some random misshap. At this point, the girlfriend is sent outside in tears, as the boyfriend begins to approach us one by one to inquire what we know about what has happened. Suffice to say, after several beers I am in no mood to get involved in this whole thing. He approaches me and the conversation goes something like this:

"You work with ali, right" he questions.
"Yes," I reply.
"Who is this Jay Parker guy" he continues.
"Umm, honestly, dude, I haven't seen that guy before tonight."
He continues, "Look, I love ali. I'm in love with this girl. I bought her a ring this week and I am going to propose to her. And now I find her in the bathroom with this Jay Parker guy. What can you tell me?"
As he seems like a good guy who is in some serious anguish, I briefly consider informing him that his girlfriend is a ridiculous slut who isn't worth his time. However, I withhold.
"Uhhh .. seriously, man, I don't know what is going on. You'll have to ask someone else."

So he continues on the interrogations. He eventually is able to piece together that something has happened in this bathroom. Yet he is unable to assess exactly what happened, as that is only known by his girlfriend and the guy she dragged in there with them.

Eventually, after an hour of crying outside, I see him down on his knee, in front of her, in tears. They leave moments later.

We haven't hear anything about that night since. I have no idea if he proposed, if he broke up, or what. Suffice to say, for his sake, I hope he was ultimately able to piece together that you don't really wanna marry a girl who accidentally finds herself in bathroom stalls with mysterious men, particularly men who have lipstick on their dick.

That's just my advice, but hey, what do I know? I'm single.