A row of fools
I have almost never in my life stood in a line that was actually worth the end result of that line. Lines, in general, are the most agonizing system of torture for a man as myself whom has inherited an immeasurable amount of impatience. These days, I mostly find myself in lines I have no choice in being a part of. Under this category, we have locations such as banks, grocery stores, and shopping locations. These lines are virtually unavoidable, as the only place I can cash a check is at a bank, and the only place I can purchase "Who's Eating Out Gilbert Grape" or "Edward Penishands" is at a porn shop.
However, lines are wholly and totally unacceptable at places in which I have a choice. At the top of this list is restaurants. Waiting to eat, under all circumstances, is intolerable. Particularly in a town like New York, where restaurants dot the streets like flies swarming a week-old carcass. In the entirety of my life, I have never had a meal that was worth waiting more than three minutes for. This ranges from Carl's Jr. to La Fondue. There are a number of "hot" restaurants in NYC that require a minimum of a thirty minute wait (they rarely take reservations). Suffice to say, I only eat at these restaurants when forced by the members of my party. Once seated, you look at their menu, and ask yourself, "What the fuck does this menu have that any of the others on this street do not?" It isn't like I wanted to eat Grilled Salamander Tail with Garlic Sauce, and there is only one spot in the city I could eat it. Further, it isn't as if this restaurant I just waited fifty minutes to get into has an ambience or food quality that I haven't found at other restaurants (particularly those ones without lines). Regardless, it is all moot after a fifty minute wait, as my appetite has been ruined anyway.
Nearly as annoying as lines in a restaurant are lines for a bar or club. Using my previously described logic, I can tolerate a line to a bar more than I can a restaurant because the end result (alcohol) is more enjoyable to me than food is. That is to say, the reward of the wait is greater. However, as the bar options in any city are usually quite expansive, waiting in line for a bar better result in something greater than an offering of alcohol. Something that I can only get at the one specific bar I am waiting to get into. As example, the bar I am waiting to get into better offer a plethora of naked women with large breasts and a desire to talk to tall, fat caucasians, or, at the bare minimum, fantasy baseball kiosks.
The inherent problem with lines is it creates a sense of expectation. Any of those reading this who stood in line with me to see "Congo" or "Batman 2" will understand my point. When you wait for something, your desire for it to be good increases. In essence, you want the wait to mean something. It needs to be justified, or else the experience of waiting would be considered a waste. Whether you have been waiting for a movie, a dinner, or a wife, the waiting for it is the effort. It creates a sense of entitlement. If you wait for a dinner, it better be a great fucking dinner. The issue, of course, being that no thing, be it a meal or a person, can ever meet expectation. Expectation is created in your mind, and because your mind is always more capable than reality, you will always be disappointed. Expectation has ruined more movies, dinners, and wives, than hollywood, e coli, and feminists, combined.
In conclusion, lest the line I am waiting in is going to get me inside my mind, itself, I have no interest in a line. Next time you invite me somewhere, make sure it has empty seats and no wait. And if you do make me wait, it better be for the best fried salamander tail in garlic sauce I've ever had in my whole fucking life.