misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

If you ever find yourself in a drinking competition with a Scotsman with a large belly and Irishman who claims to have killed his own father, first thing to do is to stay calm. You can handle the situation. Based on my past all-day experience this past Saturday, I have some tips to share:

1) Accept your situation. The Scots and Irish have a different culture, and you are in their world, so you must play by their rules. They do not drink to simply achieve drunkeness. They do not drink to pass the time. They do not drink to enjoy it. They drink until they are physically unable to consume anymore, either because of passing out, throwing up, or getting arrested. Because it is their pride. Their culture. So, accept these terms before you acquiesce to the competition. You will have to drink to the highest of your ability. This is no time to be weak. You are representing America, and even more importantly, your family name. If you fail, your country fails.

2) Find your opponent's weakness. While it is true that genetically, the Irish and Scots are able to consume more alcohol than the average American, every man, I don't care what country he is from, has a weakness. For some, it is dark beers. For others, it is a tough shot of whiskey. When you find this weakness, exploit it. Order shots of whiskey if you know they are unable to handle them. And just try not to puke long enough to see the enjoyment of them falling asleep before you.

3) Food. Food is essential. When you start early, say at 10 am, be sure to eat a light meal. One that leaves room for the alcohol, but provides some covering fire for your stomach. Snack on anything you can find while drinking. Eat lunch. Whatever you need to do. Just keep food in your stomach.

4) Appear to drink more than you are. This can be difficult and requires a bit of a sleight of hand. When all contestants are sufficiently drunk, take advantage of their sloppiness. If you notice that the beers are about to run out, and the fifteenth round of the night is about to be ordered, run off to the bathroom temporarily. This buys you time. And time is critical. By the time you return, they will have drunk a bit more of their beer than you, but they won't have noticed. If you do it right, you can fall behind one beer after about each five. That buys you the advantage you need. But do not, i repeat, do not, get too greedy here. If you can only fall behind by about a half a beer without attention before arousing suspicion, than leave it at that. It is all you'll get, so work with it.

5) Do not keep track of how much you have had to drink. This is very important. Americans have a tendancy to keep track of how many beers they had, or how many shots they had, and talk about. According to these European rules, if you know how much you've had to drink, it hasn't been enough. And, if you actually are keeping track, it will scare you. It is like being on a cliff. Don't look down. It will mess up the game, and you might fail.

6) Find your inner chi. Your internal energy. Focus on this energy. Trust it. When you think you cannot have another, focus on the chi. It will lead you to truth.

7) Never say no. Ever. Never turn down a drink. Even if you can't take it.

Through these tactics, I am pleased to say that I finished second in the competition. I beat the Irishman, which is a feat I am glad to tell my family. He was fast asleep by the time i'd left the house (which is where you end up after the pub. the house). By this time, the Scotsman had opened up his bottle of 1991 Macellan Scotch Whiskey and was dancing to "Hurricane" by Bob Dylan. I took down two tumblers full of the stuff, and then knew my time had come. I was not disappointed to lose to this man. He was worthy competition. As I left, and he called me a cunt for not having another whiskey with him, I smiled proudly, for I had just held my own against the greatest drinker in the world.