misAdventures of Workmonkey 3.0

I watched The Italian Job tonight. It was a well-made heist movie featuring a team of specialists attempting one last formidable theft. Each character of the theft team had a specialty, i.e. the computer expert, the explosives expert, the driver, the muscle, etc. It got me to wondering what rolls would be played out by various members of the sfninja community if we were required to pull-off a heist of a similar stature. The premise is that using only members of our group, we would have to steal 30 million dollars in gold bars from a heavily guarded mansion in Pacific Heights. I shall start with the easy ones first:

Funding: Walter Sousa. We might have to let Dave into the heist in order to get to his dad, but that would be no problem. We could let Dave be in charge of food runs or something. If Walter declines, our entire operation would be fucked.

Getaway Driver: Taj Haynes. This one isn't really up for debate. If I needed someone to transport our team and hundreds of pounds of gold from point A to point B, I would trust Taj's ability to do this over anyone else in our group. He would have the route mapped and timed to the second. He would have backup routes planned. He would even ensure the drive would be smooth.

Computer Expert: We need someone to hack into the San Francisco Driving Control Center to manipulate the traffic lights for ten minutes. I would require a three-member team. Hector, Age, and Lee. Hector would be the hardware and servers system expert. Age would be the hacker. Lee wouldn't do much, but I had to throw him in here somewhere as he is my roommate. We'd have a 99.99% chance of failing this particular objective, but these people would be our only real option.

Explosives Expert: This one was difficult to decide upon. However, after careful consideration, I've concluded that Bart would be the right man for the job. He is great at destroying things. And he has a sharp attention to detail that would enable him to put together a nice looking bomb. He'd probably require a few drinks before the heist took place, and we'd have to guarantee he only blew up the structures we asked him too, but I'd trust most of it would be done right.

The Muscle/Guns: I think it is obvious that would be my job. If was unable to perform my duties, I would give Sy three vodkas on the rocks and set her loose onto anyone we needed to intimidate.

The planner: I'll give this one to K-ro. It would take him plenty of matrix analysis and cost-structure manipulations, and our getaway car would probably be a Geo Metro, but he'd make sure our heist was well-planned. He'd even have an extra set of keys hidden beneath our getaway car in case Taj lost his set. The only problem would be we would have to carry most of the gold in those funny looking man-purses he likes to strut around with.

The bullshitter: This is Neal. He would be the guy that gets us things. The guy that goes to the cable company to get us a cable employee uniform and van. The guy that makes contacts within the Russian Mafia to ensure we have a buyer for our gold. The guy that talks his way into the bank vault.

The Safecracker: For some reason I am going to give this job to Amanda. As a math major, she should be properly prepared to come up with some cool mathematical way to break the combination to a safe. And if any member of our group has a stethescope in their house, it would be her. If she wasn't able to crack the safe, we'd sit back and let Bart blow it up.

Surveillance: I'll put Reyes on this. I think it is all of his sneaky maneuvers I became accustomed to over the years of playing him in video games and paint ball. Or perhaps his ability to go hours without saying a word. A level of patience for watching that nobody else in our group would have. Also, he could but his business analysis skills to use and provide us with a great document.

Morale Booster/Cheerleader: Katie Carson. This one wasn't even close.

Useless Pieces of Shit That Would Have No Role: I reserve this category for the members of our group who never read this website and thus I can effectively criticize. Kenny, Masta P, and my brother would be totally useless members of our team and would offer us nothing. Therefore, they would not join us for the big heist.

Feel free to disagree with my assessment, but if we did ever have to pull off a big heist, my initial thought is we would fail horribly.