Who Am I?
I'm the queen of distraction. Right when I realize I'm at a crossroads in life, I avoid big decisions by doing stuff like getting another job and having kids.
I've been at the crossroads all my life. Often, I take side alleys and offshoots and shortcuts and the long way to avoid choosing the penultimate right or left, but always end up right back at the fork in the road.
And so here I am again.
Yesterday, I had a mini breakdown with Kev. (Like the crossroads, the breakdowns have loomed large all my life too.) I looked at him, tears in my eyes as I mouthed Who am I?. (He doesn't take me seriously, which is why we're together. Correction: he takes me seriously, just not the drama.)
I keep ending up at the crossroads because I need to make a decision. I have to choose. God keeps putting me there because I'll never really be happy until I go one way or the other. Do I spend my time going for what I want? Or do I waste time by filling it with worrying about how I'm not going for what I want?
This crossroads is preceded by another job dilemma. The head of the non-profit I work for told me last week that my salary may need to be cut due to a bleeding budget. The truth is our budget is in bad shape, but she chose me as a cost cutee because she doesn't really get what I do. People outside of the marketing/PR circle tend to (1) underestimate the value of marketing and (2) confuse the department with sales. So, if you aren't bringing in dollars, it's easy to conclude you are worthless. Nevermind, the intangible benefits of a good PR campaign.
Anyway, also this person doesn't get me. Our styles are very different. I've never had a "this organization is the end-all, be-all" mentality. I can't attach such seriousness to business. People need to, I know. Just not me. So it probably looks like I don't care whether our agency lives or dies. Not true, but I have other things I think about.
Like my passion, for instance. Nothing else seems as serious when I'm not taking my own passion seriously. I know there's something out there for me -- my writing dream -- and I can't attach to anything else. But I'm too chicken to go after the dream, so I take job after job, where I can continue to skirt the issue.
So now, I have decisions to make. Do I take a salary (and hours) cut? Do I find another job? Do I look at this as a blessing, a gentle push in a direction I've always wanted to go (less time at work, more time with kids and a big reminder that I should be writing my children's book in the meantime?). I have few priorities: spending time with my family, being a good wife and mother and realizing my writing dream. Maybe this job development will help me accomplish them better than I am now. Maybe I'm supposed to leave the job and start my own thing. But would that be another distraction?
Why doesn't God give easy answers? Who am I?
Back to the breakdown. I'm asking Kev who I am because I don't know really. Or I do know, and I don't like it.
What I mean is: I know what I really want to do (write creatively), but I don't do it. So who am I? I am a frustrated creative, so I get easily irritated and upset and jealous if other people are realizing their dreams. Am I bitter inside? Or it is situational? Who am I? Will I be a weak sap on my deathbed with regrets at not going for it? Or will I know I gave it my best shot? Who am I?
This seemingly innocent development in my life -- the job change -- has brought me back to the crossroads and it's not so easy to take the shortcut. I can't say "I'll think about it later, I'm pregnant right now," or 'I'll come to that in a moment, I'm having another baby," or "I'm moving." Or the distraction du jour. I can't anymore. Weird, but this is it this time. And the decision tells me who I will end up to be.
So who am I?