Debbie Does Drivel

OK FINE

Oh all right.
She's not that bad.
My instincts suck.
Don't tell Kev.

SO MUCH FOR THAT

Well you can see my New Year's resolution was not to update this blog more often.

That being said, I did have a great New Year's. Very mellow, whicn I've decided is truly the way to go.

Kev and I had dinner with good friends, reconvened at our house, turned off the TV, played soft music, lit candles and wrote gratitude journals, initiated a Burning Bowl ceremony and created Treasure Maps. The amazing thing about all of this is that Kev participated, which if you know Kev, will amaze and mystify you.

Of course, now my Treasure Map lies crumpled under a stack of bills and a box of Huggies, but for that one night......that one night, it was magic.

SO MUCH TO DO

We are moving this month. Not to Arizona or Oregon or Pennsylvania, like all our smarty friends, but to a more expensive place that should make living in San Diego all the more financially insolvent.

Of course, the place is brand new, much larger and very close to the ocean, so I'll just shut up now.

OK, I just have to tell you: we've got stainless steel appliances! granite countertops! an alarm system! hardwood floors! window seats! three garages! three! garages!

Please know that for the last five and a half years, I've lived in a place with cracks in the ceiling, rotting baseboards and the occasional gang shooting, so really, I am not bragging, I'm just thankful.

ON IT GOES

My boss blurted out the other day, "You're so controlling!" and it really took me aback.
I hate to admit it, but I the truth hurts. This statement set me back days as I felt sorry for myself and licked my wounds.
Just one statement, but lo the havoc it wreaked.
It's harder to swallow given that my boss is prone to cutting her employees' spirits to wisps with inappropriate comments and low blows. Because you want to think that certain criticisms are unfounded and clearly the words of an insane and pragmatically inappropriate woman.
And though she doesn't filter her thoughts, there tends to be a bit of verisimilitude in everything she says.

It's physical pain nearly when someone characterizes you so bluntly. You know you tend to control -- surroundings, conversations -- but you don't really know 'til someone confirms it.

Of course my boss has also said I'm wishy washy and rigid. Which don't seem to be able to co-exist well in the same person....
But dammit, I know what she meant.

I'M A READER, NOT A FIGHTER

I'm hurt.
Really, I'm not being funny.

The book club I started 7 years ago doesn't need me anymore.
This really mean girl assumed leadership of the book club and is trampling over my opinions and generally being nasty.

I've probably been annoying to this nasty petty girl in the past. When I'm passionate about things, I get spazzy. I'm spazzy about books. I like them. I like to discuss them. I like to get heavy about them sometimes.

I steered the book club in that direction: suggesting non-fluffy books and fostering good discussion about them. For years there was resistance. The icky yukky girl pushed back on everything I suggested. She obviously didn't like my leadership. And I am sure I wanted to lead a little too much...because after all, it was my book club and I'm spazzy about books.

When I had my baby and missed a few meetings, she took the opportunity to usurp my throne. Now, she gives me dirty looks and corrals other members against me when I suggest anything she doesn't agree with.

This month, she took it upon herself to declare February Samurai Garden month. We've already read two books this year by that author and the books are OK, but read a lot like an Easy Reader. And, there's nothing to discuss about them. They're fiction, they're fluffy Chinese lit, and we've read the genre by the SAME author before.

She ignored my suggestion the previous month to read The Kite Runner and made me feel as if I'd never brought it up.

And that's what she does: she sneakily ignores that which those she doesn't like suggests and instead passes her own agenda items.

(Have I told you that she regularly reads the last page of books first and decides whether she likes the ending or not and then either does or doesn't read the whole book based on that? This is the person who commandeered my book club.)

She's mean. Really, really mean. She has a very subtle, manipulative way of making you feel bad -- generally by making snide comments under her breath and rolling her eyes about you to anyone who'll watch her.

She hurts my feelings and I've felt so bad being in the book club, that I'm leaving.

The last straw was this past Monday. She threw out a date for Feb.'s book club that everyone agreed to...then the next day changed it to another day (my baby's b-day). I told her I couldn't make it and she told me that I must have misunderstood: we'd decided on that date I couldn't make the night before and I must not have been paying attention and that it wasn't going to change just b/c I couldn't make it. Yet, the reason she changed it in the first place was for people who couldn't make it...

Subtle. Manipulative. Hurts me.

So I'm out. Starting a new book club. One or two people from the old club will join me...

Wish I could tell Meanie how she's a horrible person, but that wouldn't be very bibliophile of me.

THIS MAKES EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT

GETTING THROUGH

My skin feels untra-sensitive and my mind, fuzzy. Gurgles plague my stomach.
Stress manifests.
Whenever I'm under the gun, this trifecta of symptoms comes to call.
I just need to make it through this week:
moving, reassembling our life, waiting for cable (the stressiest stress of all), completing work projects, persuading my boss to unclench and keeping my daughter out of anything that resembles a thing in any way; if it looks the least bit thing-like, she's unpacking it, deconstructing it, smelling it, ripping it, dragging it or eating it.
Shoulda gone to church yesterday. I can see I'll need divine intervention here.