I THINK I'M GOING MENTAL(ER)
Since I've had my baby, I find myself seriously affected by news of a child's death or injury. These things had always hit me hard, but now I find I can barely cope with the strong emotions these stories raise in me.
News of the three children nearly beheaded by their relatives, or of an infant found beaten to death sock me in the stomach. I could never imagine being the mother of these children. I'd never make it. I couldn't get through it. And yet, I do imagine it. It must be a psychlogical coping device OR I'm mental: but I find myself imagining the worst case scenario with my own child.
Like, what if an intruder broke into the house and tried to kill my baby? I visualize how he would do it and what I would do in return. OK, I think, I'll bash his skull with my marble book end; or I'll hit him in the nuts then squirt my Bath & Body Works lotion in his eyes.
I really think the whole thing through. I imagine what my baby would look like after she's been hit or suffocated or shot. It's horrible and I really debated coming out and admitting that here, but I need to say it.
I hope that, rather than being a bezerko psycho head case, I have a good reason for dreaming up these imaginary scenarios. It's as if I'm desensitizing my self. My body and mind cannot begin to fathom how I'd get through my life if something were to happen to my daughter. I need to spigot this realization out little by little because I can't handle the very real fact that I wouldn't be able to make it if she were gone.
If I imagine the most horrible thing in the world happening to her in in little pieces, it somehow makes me think I can control things if the worst came to pass. I've already thought through what I'd do. I'm prepared.
I used to think I could get through anything. A little time, a little regrouping and I'd be OK. I would not be unaffected, mind you; never be the same again if something were to happen to anyone I loved. But I somehow made it through after my mom died and a part of me knew I could. But if something were to happen to Alex? No part of me thinks I could get through that.
Comments (3)
I agree. As the father of two little girls, I feel an overwhelming presence to be their eternal protector. I find it hard to think of how I would handle a tradegy of that magnitude, but I know for sure that my life would, from that moment on, have a deep aching void that could never be filled. I kind of think of it as losing a limb. Even though that really doesn't compare, I think it would be a little similar in that it would be something that I would relive every day that I had left on this earth. I too imagine myself tracking down and slowly mutilating anyone that would harm my children in any way, and would happily spend the rest of my days in jail paying for that revenge.
However, the true dichotomy in parenthood is the ability to have these feelings one minute and then have the little rugrats bug the crap out of you over the smallest little quirk the next, but that is a WHOLE other story.
Yeah, I think you are right, it must be a way for our brains to try to process the unfathomable, and imagining how we might control, handle or respond is our coping mechanism of choice.
Posted by Tim | May 31, 2004 3:31 PM
Posted on May 31, 2004 15:31
Debbie, that's what all us moms do. We envision THE VERY WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN!
It's especially powerful during that wonderful post-partum time, when hormones still aren't certain of their duties.
While I still worry, and then worry some more, and worry a wee bit more, I've gradually accepted that I can't control the universe any better as a mom than I did prior to parenthood, and have had to learn to turn off parts of my brain. It's hard to do, but you learn how after you haven't slept for a year. In fact, some would say that it happens whether you want it to or not.
The first time I let my son go into the mens room on his own.....omg...I find out that there's a pedophile who frequents the establishment. He wasn't there. But, that was pretty much beside the point. I went into total panic mode once again (it's in my archives somewhere) and my kid wasn't allowed out of my site for anything for a few days. Then I realized that I've done a really great job of raising him and that he's very capable of many things. That doesn't mean that I let him go racing off to the bathroom in public if I can't go with him all the time, but he's much more aware of what the dangers are and how to behave should he ever be approached. And, you know, at 7 1/2, he's really starting to buck the whole "come to the bathroom with mommy" thing. Ugh.
I started off wanting to be so positive for you and now I have this mass anxiety attack in the works.
Posted by Da Goddess | June 1, 2004 11:37 AM
Posted on June 1, 2004 11:37
You could definitely see your enthusiasm in the paintings you write. The sector hopes for more passionate writers such as you who are not afraid to say how they believe. All the time go after your heart.
Posted by investment prospectus | October 3, 2011 2:25 AM
Posted on October 3, 2011 02:25