Debbie Does Drivel

PAYBACK IS A DIVA

My baby is the biggest drama queen, and she is using the important infant development time of 0-3 months to hone her skills in the dramatic arts. She just finished "Death Scenes 101: How to Fake a Seizure Until Mommy Picks Me Up Whereupon I Instantly Assume a Smug Smile as if to Say: SUCKER!" and will soon complete "An Exigesis of Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde: Look Like an Angel While You Sleep, Only to Wake Up After 3 Seconds as a Complete and Total Demon."

And: you should see the way this baby stretches. It's as if she is being directed with Scorsese saying, "OK. I'm thinking CAT. You are an expensive, spoiled Persian. You are lying in the sun. Now, langourously stretch each limb. Sigh. Purr even. Curl your toes. Pee. That's right: pee. Do it all over your mama. You're a Persian for Christ's sakes!"

And breastfeeding? This baby has been circling the desert for days. She is lost. She is parched. She is going to bite the nipple off that wayward camel. And when she drinks for the first time in ages, it is with great gasping gulps and enormous swallows. It is the swallow of a girl who has been lost, and now is found. Alleluia!

Plus, I swear this kid FAKE CRIES. She is doing her red-faced actress seizure thing and I look: no tears. No moisture of any kind. By her carrying on, you get the idea that her teeny toes have been crushed beneath the stabilizer bar of her tot swing (I know this cry).

Cripes, this kid takes after me.