Debbie Does Drivel

CLEAR BLUE EASY

I'll just come clean. I wasn't being that opaque about it anyway.
I'm going to tell you: but please do not tell anybody.
If Kev finds out I broadcast this info so soon, he will stop going to the grocery store for my Tums and Mentos.

ISN'T IT SUPPOSED TO BE ALL FOLIC ACID AND LOTS OF LIQUIDS?

Why is it that I can't stomach anything good for me?
I thought nature was supposed to ensure you get your nutrients during pregnancy?
The only thing I can bear to eat are McDonald's hamburgers and a few fries.
I don't even like meat! Is there a linebacker in my uterus who has commandeered my digestive system?

I can barely swallow the pre-natal vitamins and some days I don't even take them.
I can't eat fruits or vegetables and even water makes me skeevy.
Not to mention, on a hygiene level, the smell/taste of toothpaste nearly makes me yak, which is not good when you are in PR.

I'm all over Cokes and 7-UP. I don't drink soda pop!
This is going to stop the second Baby Quarterback enters the world.
I'm going to be just like my mom:
trail mix and a rotten orange in every lunch bag.

HIATUS

Sick, so very very sick.

I'm a hypochondriac, for God's sake.
I always thought there was some cosmic rule that all physical symptoms experienced by a hypo is in their head, and not manifested biologically.
We're supposed to be doomed to a life of imagining bodily dread and disaster....not actually experience one.

So, why, why, does a woman who fears needles and all things medical need to be subjected to one injection and two blood tests in one week...ONE WEEK!

Not to mention, there are many more to come.

Turns out I am RH-negative, which means my blood type is toxic to the fetus and I need to get injections 2-3 times throughout my pregnancy. Not horrible, I know.

BUT, I also tested positive for a freaky test that checks for autoimmune diseases like syphilis and lupus! So, I return to the lab today for follow-up tests. Debbie does not like follow-up tests. Debbie does not like labs. Debbie is has issues. Debbie sings to her veins to make them more pliable and impervious to pain. The song is sung to the tune of the Carpenters "Close to You."

OK, the song is the Carpenter's "Close to You." I want my vein to know I love it and am happy it was born and that is why all the boys (all the boys) in town follow it (follow it) all around (all around)...because just like me they long to be close to you.

I hope that song makes it happy.

I have to prepare for my Writer's Group now, so that means I am thinking about all the men I dated in my life. (Procrastination is a many-armed monster.)

I'm going to start enumerating and describing some of these guys. Because I suddenly seem to have entered a dimension where time stands still and stuff like eating, doing homework, cleaning and clearing my calendar for a good barf have no meaning.

Let's start with 1991:

Kurt
time period: 1991-93
looked like: Richard Gere. Kinda.
personal style: T-shirts, jeans, tennis shoes, hairy chest/back.
personality: Dopey. Occasionally unintentionally witty. Cheater.
memorable date: Denim n' Diamonds in L.A. He said I made his "loins quiver."
in a nutshell: Serial cheater. Lots of break-ups and get back-togethers. Broke my heart. Ensuing distress caused me to lose about 25 pounds.

Jeff
time period: 1992
looked like: Emilio Estevez. Sorta.
personal style: Polo. Chino shorts. Low sports socks and trendy tennis shoes.
personality: Nice. Gentlemanly. Boring.
memorable date: The one and only: trip to the L.A. Zoo, back to his place for countless hours of sitting in front of the TV, dinner and a movie (Scent of a Woman).
in a nutshell: Vanilla.

Evan
time period: 1992
looked like: David Copperfield gone bad.
personal style: Dress pants. Silky shirts.
personality: Showman. Creepy.
memorable date: Mountain biking at Virgenes Canyon.
in a nutshell: Icky. Reminded me of a Peeping Tom. Always had an agenda. Manipulative.

Brian
time period: 1992-93
looked like: 80's pop rock band front man. Maybe like lead singer of A-Ha, but with longer hair. Or guy from Mike & The Mechanics. But w/out the mustache/beard.
personal style: Oxfords. Jeans
personality: Earnest. Sweet. Boring.
memorable date: Lasagna at his mom's house
in a nutshell: He was a goodie. Just wasn't a thrill ride. That eventually decided it.

I could do this all day! Later, I'll pick back up with 1992! But don't worry! I met Kev in 1997, so there is an end in sight. Plus, 1992-93 was by far my best season.

BATED BREATH

All follow-up tests came back negative!

STUFF

Kev's going to Vegas this weekend with the boys.
There's been talk of a suite as big as a house and a cabana at the Hard Rock pool.
Plus, the suite has a wet bar.
Wet bars are so Boogie Nights.
I am way too prone to insecurity for this.

Plus! (Adjunct point:) I'm pregnant! I have no waistline.
You see what I'm saying.