Unborn
So it was hard for me to hear yesterday that one of my brother's guiding life principles is not to turn out like me.
He's vowed to do something creative with his life instead of squalor in corporate hell like I do; spending his days unhappy and soulless.
I often wonder why I don't just follow through on my creative urges, and find it's no mystery: fear rules me. Fear. Feelings of inadequacy, lack of confidence and focus; plus general balls-lessness.
Back in 2000, I went to a hypnotherapist to deal with my fear of flying (FAT lot of good that did me) and before we started treatments she had me take a test. She plotted my results on a grid and stared at me wordlessly for a long time. "Your unfulfilled creativity is off the charts," she'd said. "The frustrated creative in you is dying to get out. This could kill you." She probably didn't say "this could kill you," but her tone conveyed as much. When she showed me the grid, I saw that my desire to engender creativity was a spike and my creative outlets were a flatline.
I've long felt the beast within me calmed when I put pencil to paper, brush to canvas, feet to tapping. The thing is: I'm no good at painting, dancing or my favorite fantasy -- singing. It's true I've always wanted to be a writer, but I'm really really afraid I'm not much good at that either. It's like my final creative refuge would be my writing and if I discover once and for all I suck at it, I'll be lost forever and I'm too scared to take that chance.
So I flirt with writing. I take jobs where I write press releases, magazine articles, data sheets, etc. This way I keep in touch with writing, but we're never the close friends I hope to be.
I've started several "books," but lose confidence when the plot gets muddled or my characterizations meander. Then I say to myself: "See? You really are no good," and I stop.
I wonder if I will ever get to that point where I'm more afraid to not finish the book than I am to try.
I look back and my jobs and think of all the time wasted. Last job had me for four years and nearly made me a drone. This current job really may kill me. I'm so very unhappy there and my skin is red a lot due to internal frustration. Please forgive my melodrama: but I'm currently hanging by a string in Company XX's marketing department. Really, I think it is going to kill me. Maybe metaphorically...but that's sometimes worse than literal death.
The worst thing is hearing from your baby brother that he doesn't want to be like you.
I often thought the same about my mom (so much frustrated creativity, dreams of writing unfulfilled, broken promises to herself), but I had the good sense and class not to say so out loud.
(Feeble attempt to lift the "woe is me" cloud.)
Comments (3)
Are you in need of a literary or creative bitch slap? Is that what you're trying to tell me? I can do that.
Posted by Da Goddess | June 7, 2003 1:52 AM
Posted on June 7, 2003 01:52
Ok. I have talked to you about 3 times in my lifetime, but I feel I like I know you like a sister because Mark is a dear friend. So, I am gonna tell you like a big brotha. Stop the talk and go for it. It is all about you and if writing a book makes you happy, even if nobody publishes it, then do it. Nobody, no job, or some boss is going to make you happy. Go for what you enjoy and fucking do it. Look at all of the friends of your brother. We may have no girls, or lot of money, but damn it, we are making more peace cada dia.
Posted by T-Diddy | June 9, 2003 8:10 AM
Posted on June 9, 2003 08:10
Hey, I can totally relate to what you're saying. But ultimately it doesn't matter whether you're "good" or not -- for one thing, scores of artists, writers and composers are only recognized years after the do their work. For another, the main reason for you to create should be because you love it -- not because you're worried about what other people thing. That being said, I find it impossible not to think constantly about how something I'm making will be received. But it's better to write a book that's crap than to write no book at all. Incidentally, I agree with previous people -- don't look to your job to make you happy. It won't.
Posted by Ben | June 13, 2003 11:19 AM
Posted on June 13, 2003 11:19