New Years Most High Reverend Ms. Debbie
I tend to get very inspirational and New Age when I drink. Everyone is so beautiful with lots of zippy colorful lights emanating from their auric beings.
I love you, yes, you, o greasy little man nursing your Gordon's vodka gimlet. But I digress.
I also can get a bit controlling, wanting to orchestrate my surroundings to my liking, perpetuating some goodwill fantasy my fevered brain concocts in the dead of night.
When those two tendencies collide, it makes for an interesting mix of sweatiness, embarrasment, cheesiness, love found, and most importantly, love lost.
This past New Year's at a friend's party, where I knew no one, I insisted they all remove their wine charms pronto! because I was going to read their fortunes as symbolized by the dangly silver baubles. Said baubles consisted of a margarita glass, a lemon, cheese slab, corkscrew, baguette, and other stupid ass stuff that no Miss Cleo could read as prophetic, but which I could see right through to their hidden meanings.
I shook the charms in my palm and made each person take one, then show it to me solemnly as I was about to assist in their spiritual unfolding.
At the time, when I told Gene or whatever his name was, that his lemon meant he was a sour puss but the New Year would show him many wondrous delights to awaken his "happy" side, whatever that was, I thought it was the most profound fortune-telling I'd proferred in three cocktail parties. At least.
I completely forget what I told everyone else. God help the person with the cheese slab.
Later, I asked all party participants to write down the one thing they'd like to get rid in the New Year. Then, I'd read these things aloud and toss them into the fire in a "Burning Bowl"-type ceremony I had decided I should preside over.
Afterward, my flock would write the one thing they wanted to concentrate on for 2003. As before, I read these hopes out loud.
Then in a dramatic flourish, I bounded upstairs and collapsed on the couch in a fuzzy-headed stupor, awakening 7 hours later covered in dog hair, ants crawling up my arm, and Clairol OutLast lipstick clinging tenaciously to one quadrant of my upper lip.
Clearly, a woman in charge of her destiny.
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