I operated a television camera last night. For a live TV show. Yes, it's true. It's also a fact that it was my first time (since college, where I did it once) that I'd operated such a camera. Being community access programming, however, the crew can't care as much that the volunteer who showed up knows nothing of cameras. They designate you Camera One anyway.
In my headset, I tried to follow commands like "two shot!," and "three shot, now slow pan to the right and close up on the guest, tilt up, camera one! up! up! now pan, pan, up on the mic, good -- one shot, now two shot again!" while ignoring the furious echo of my heartbeat resonating in the headphones.
Then, I came home and grilled my husband: "Are you proud of me that I volunteered for something like this? Do you think I'm noble and worthwhile? Don't you think it's cool that I just went, not knowing anybody, and threw myself into recording a live show? Am I neat?"
Questions which, completely obliterate the fact that I volunteered at all, because I was looking for alms from my husband, instead of just doing it, content with the knowledge that I gave of my time.
It's more that I'm insecure. I crave constant positive feedback from those close to me. Mainly my husband. I annoyingly prod him all the time to tell me how much he loves me. And I ask stuff like this: "Are you quite confident in the fact that I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?" and "Does your heart hurt when you're away from me?" and "How come you love me so much?"
It's best to keep small children and animals away from me, too. Since they're just a little helpless, I'm all over them, and they can't really get away on their own (which makes them a favorite of mine). I smother and kiss and love and hug and just google them to death (could truly result in snuggle death if concerned parents and pet owners did not eventually drag them away).
I'm aware that the above paragraphs have little to do with the fact that I operated a TV camera last night. Just so you know. Because I'm smart. You do think so, right?