Does Talking About it Make it Go Away?
I hate how resentment can rule me. Sometimes I caress it fondly, savoring the delicious righteous anger I feel. But then it gets over sweet and starts to rot, and I feel sick.
So, if I talk about it, perhaps I can spit it out once and for all.
I guess it's simple, all in all: my boss laid me off. However, this was after an assurance not two months ago, that I would not be the first to go, and that I had absolutely nothing to worry about. SO, when my lay-off happened so soon after this meeting, I was a little shell-shocked.
Back in June, I'd seen how slow it'd become in my department. I'd been reading the signs, and asked him for a meeting.
We shut the door, and I confessed I was insecure in my position. Business was slow, my web department was non-existent. I told him directly that if it were in the company's (and my) best interest to call it quits, please make me aware of that, and I'll prepare.
He laughed and told me I was a worrywart. He said that due to my versatility, I'd be most valuable to keep around since I could plug holes in the other departments. After all, I'd been there four years, and had taken up HTML/Web Design lessons so I could save the company from hiring an outside web developer who charged big money. That loyalty, plus the fact that I could write, edit graphics, create presentations, program databases, etc., counted for something with him.
He shared that if it got to the point where the company was no longer profitable, that he'd have a staff meeting and discuss temporary pay cuts, less hours, and so on.
He gave me a HUG, and told me to relax.
Later, he paid my office a visit, and re-stated the above, laughing again that I thought I'd had anything to worry about.
Then, last week, when he wasn't even in the office, he'd had my supervisor and friend lay me off. He wanted to give me two weeks severance.
That burns. My boss used to babble in staff meetings about how we were a big family, how he doesn't think of us as employees, how he hates the word "human resources," since it depersonalized the staff.
He'd say all this with a Mickey Mouse benevolent smile, and yes, we all knew it was bullshit (this man loves to think of himself as a good, Church-going, selfless person, when all he does is to the contrary), but I didn't know how far the hypocrisy would extend.
This was a boss who, if we were gathered by the water cooler on a Monday, catching up with our co-workers, would make this comment (always the same one): "Hey! One well-placed hand grenade and the whole company would be gone." Quickly scattering, we'd roll our eyes. He discouraged fratenizing, small breaks, and laughter. Because it really always came down to the money for him, and if we enjoyed ourselves, we obviously weren't making money. And yet, he talked about how close we all were, because it made him feel like a good boss.
If we'd have a group lunch, he'd talk solely about himself, his recent house remodeling, how great his second wife was, and how intelligent his son turned out to be. He'd occassionally throw in how he couldn't wait until the company did better so he could lease a car for himself and his wife. If any one of us began to talk about a subject other than him and his, his eyes would glaze and he'd act as if we weren't talking, then steer the topic back to him.
When his brother was laid off last year, my boss flew him in from the midwest to be a "resource allocations expert." Which meant he spent a couple days a month interviewing us and making notes. Then, they'd have lunch.
Nothing ever came of this, and our company spent thousands of dollars subsidizing the project.
To boot, we had profit-sharing, and we all watched with sinking hearts as the profits were skittered away by ego and vanity.
Speaking of profit-sharing, he'd do a lot of creative rearranging of invoices and client checks, so there would not be a big lump sum for dispersion in December.
Trust me, I know he was the owner, and has a vested interest in operating his company the best he knows how.
It's just that he did so duplicitously, orchestrating matters to his own best interest, and willfully screwing his employees.
Right to my end, I guess.
I understand when a business decision needs to be made. I comprehend why I needed to be laid off, since my department was no longer generating any business...I just don't gibe to the manner in which it was done.
Be a man and lay me off yourself, with brief nod to why our conversation of two months ago no longer applied.
That's all I asked: treat me like a team member and not like a human resource.
By the way, I've already dedicated my book to you:
"To XXXX, whose inhumanity reminded me what it was to be human."
But hey! What do you care? Now you can lease those cars.
...that helped a crumb-sized bit.