Something has happened! I finally and officially cannot take it anymore! I cannot be here at work knowing I will be here (or somewhere like it) indefinitely. I cannot sit in another meeting wondering, "Does this stuff we're discussing really matter in the whole scheme of things?" Does it? Does it???!!!???" I think I've cracked through some barrier...it may have been precipatated by my approaching birthday (Sally: "..and I'm going to be 40!") (Harry: "In 8 years") (Sally: "..I know! But it's out there...it's just sitting out there, waiting.") and I believe perhaps my mom's death had something to do with it (those effects still felt nearly four years later). I am somehow intensely aware of the passage of time and the idea that it is fleeting and fragile are now brought home finally...the thought has made it from my head to my heart. What a waste to go through the days not at all liking what you do...it has lead to more irritability/frustration on my part than I can possibly communicate through the written word.
Yesterday is when it happened. I went somewhere within myself. And I came back out knowing I can't do what I've been doing anymore. So, I sat down at my computer last night and I worked on the book I've had "in progress" forever. And I liked it. It no longer matters to me that I may not be good at writing...the fear that I'll find out I have no talent and therefore am not good at anything is small compared to the fear that I will never do something with my life that makes me happy.
It's oh, so subtle, this change...but it's there...isn't that what matters?
"Well I have handed all my efforts in
I searched here for my second wind
Is there somewhere here to let me in I asked
So I slammed the doors they slammed at me
I found the place I'm meant to be
I figured out my destiny at last
(The Captain by Kasey Chambers)